TARA: …So I slowly bring my baby blue eyes level with the overpass, peering into this luxury car. This overpass was pretty high up, so I must be soo tall. Anyways, the people inside must have shit seeing giant blue eyes peeping at them. Next thing ya know I see the passengers make a run for it. I stared onto the roadway; kinda scanning all the cars and watching people flee like ants.
BETH: Go on.
TARA: So I put my hands on the roadway and rest my chin on top. It was the cutest thing just resting there as people ran in complete insanity right below my nose. Well, then I felt my bikini top start to slip and naturally, instinctively, I dropped my right hand toward my boobs, when my fingers caught on two cars sending them careening into the air, then landing on two SUVs. The crunch was deafening. God, people were really upset. So…this is the best part…I’m totally laughing as I see two people give me the finger. [Laughing] Holy shit, so I wink at them and ask them in a deep sexy voice…HOW WOULD YOU PEOPLE LIKE IT IF I TIPPED THIS OVERPASS? That really got people’s attention, since they started running more quickly and anyone left in their useless cars starting getting out. People were tripping over each other, running on roofs of cars. WHAT, YOU PEOPLE NEVER SAW A GIANT WOMAN IN YOUR LIFE? WHAT ABOUT THAT CHICK BETH? I asked. Naturally, no response so I punched a hole in the roadway with my fingers before stomping off. I could hear the road buckle, so hopefully the damn thing didn’t collapse [Laugh].
BETH: Freaky.
TARA: Is that all you have to say for yourself? Come on, you’re a giant woman. I know you had fun with those remote control vehicles, so let’s turn up the volume.
BETH: I did have fun, but I don’t want to hurt too many people. Ya know, we’re people too! ……Well…..I guess I could do a few more funky things. But nothing that’ll get people killed.
TARA: [Winking] I gotcha.
Giant Tara Reid had found her way downtown and onto the dark blue raft that so majestically carried the stunning Beth. They both floated as though not a care in the world, no concern for the collapsed bridge that Beth caused, the panic inflicted by neither Beth’s remote helicopter nor the mayhem Tara had inflicted on Highway 565, resulting in over 50 crushed and overturned cars, two decimated helicopters, five dead people and patches of impassable roadway.
In fact, within a one mile radius of the towering duo, the air filled with the arousing scent of cocoa nut sun lotion, female body spray and the hint of feminine sweat. Police cars dotted both sides of the river and police boats watched over the passenger ferries that were the unwitting participants in a perilous waterway partnership.
The ladies’ blue raft was no ordinary pool variety. The city, obviously fearful of reprisals by a less than pampered giant, was sure to make the thing as luxurious as possible, fit for a princess. Think, “Pimp My Raft”: 200 feet long by 150 feet wide, two headrests (I suppose they were anticipating the arrival of another giant?), center arms rests that included a built-in sun lotion dispenser, satellite television with over 500 channels and a water jet system to cool the ladies down, perhaps after a hard day of scaring people. At the feet of the lovely giants was a large refrigerated compartment that contained four 50-gallon barrels of fresh water as well as fruit and fresh fish. Within the headrests was a stereo system replete with ear buds so the women could rock out in privacy.
TARA: Just look at this view. The city is just packed with people. They’re not going anywhere. Cars are just backed up. [Scanning the water before them] Beth, look all the little boats over there. I think some people are trying to sail off from us giants, but I think the river is also jammed with traffic too. That bridge over there [Port River Bridge is just 200 yards from them. It is a newly constructed bridge that sits just 50 feet above the water with two lanes of traffic in each direction. Some 100 cars sit in traffic as the ladies watch.] Thos cars seem so small, like toys or something. Makes me feel like just going over there and playing.
BETH: [Mischievous smile on]. Soooo?
Just at that moment when Tara began lifting her silky legs off of the raft, two helicopters and a heavily armed Coast Guard gun boat approached the intimidating beauties.
TARA: Hey Beth, how ‘bout you blow them out of the sky? Or throw something at them. They’re cramping my style. And since I’m a famous actress I can’t have people crowding my space.
BETH: Easy does big girl. Let’s give the little people a chance.
Beth sat back in the raft, carefully scanning both the sky and the water. The Coast Guard boat found a resting position in the river on Tara’s side of the raft, some twenty feet from the blonde goddess. The choppers floated fifty feet above them. Tara followed Beth’s lead, exercising restraint, assessing the situation carefully as the two reclined fully as their heads floated on the headrests and their bodies lay in a complete horizontal position. Tara’s diamond studs glistened, sometimes blinding the pilots.
“This is the mayor,” a voice thundered down from one of the chopper’s PA systems. “You can call me Jack, though. The citizens of Port Town want to make you ladies as comfortable as possible…”
Tara turned to Beth with a sarcastic smirk. The ladies laughed at the situation as they both positioned themselves higher, resting their elbows and forearms on the raft, kicking up small waves that shake all the boats in the river.
Then in unison, the girls wave with a sexy HI, MR. MAYOR. THANKS FOR THE RAFT.
The mayor continued…”Me and the police are willing to work with you to get you to safer ground. I am concerned that you ladies will get hurt.”
Beth and Tara looked at each other in disbelief when Beth countered sarcastically, BUT MR. MAYOR ME AND TARA HERE ARE THE ONES CAUSING ALL THE MAYHEM. WE MUST HAVE STEPPED ON HOW MANY CARS? INJURED HOW MANY PEOPLE? “That was awesome, girl,” Tara whispered in Beth’s soft ear. Tara squinted as she too began to address the mayor. I CAN’T THANK YOU PEOPLE ENOUGH FOR THIS LUXURIOS RAFT. GOD, IT’S GOT EVERYTHING TO MAKE A GIRL HAPPY. BUT I’M AFRAID ALL THIS PAMPERING ISN’T GOING TO INFLUENCE US ONE BIT. WE’RE STAYING PUT.
Stunned by the women’s bravado, silence fell over the scene like a bad dream when the Chief of Police in the other chopper chimed in angrily, “Ladies, we are giving you until…
Tara nudged Beth with her elbow to get her attention. The Chief continued, “… 2 PM to remove yourselves from the river and be escorted…”
Tara and Beth resumed their full reclining position, blatantly ignoring all the people in attendance as the Chief bantered on. Then, like something out of a really campy horror movie, striking like a freight train and embarrassing all but the giant ladies, KURFPLURP!!! Tara farted. The thunder was amplified as the sound waves reverberated against the rubber raft, its greasy surface a sounding board for the giants’ antics. The sound cut off the police chief mid sentence and the sonic boom it created shook the choppers and created large ripples in the water that rocked the scurrying passenger ferries.
Beth looked toward Tara in shock. “What?” Tara responded in laughter. “That was totally a car that made that noise.” Beth wiggled her nose to get a whiff. “Eww, that’s pretty strong. Wonder how the little people’ll handle it?” Beth asked curiously.
The two didn’t have to wait long as the smell traveled like a cumulonimbus cloud over to the City Highway that hugged the river’s edge. There, it seemed to hang like a blimp. The girly gas stopped traffic on a dime as people rushed to cover their noses. Beth and Tara sat up to watch the commotion as cars began colliding, crashing and crunching as though a thick fog had impaired their visibility. Beth and Tara were awe-struck.
TARA: [shrugging her shoulders as she turned to Beth]. What can I say? Sometimes a girl’s gotta do what girl’s gotta do. I swear I never fart in public. But god, that was pretty cool.”
The choppers that floated above them made a quick exit, but the Coast Guard boat that lay precariously close to Tara wasn’t so lucky. Amid all the chaos and unnoticed by the five crew members, the boat had drifted to within 10 feet of the enormous raft. Tara just happened to look down to her left, eyeing the boat. YOU POOR LITTLE PEOPLE. Tara then slowly lowered her left hand onto the boat, where her long fingers found a resting position amid the passengers, lightly flicking them as they stumbled about. “Hey, Beth. I found something.” Tara then menacingly grabbed a man off the boat, wrapped firmly in her fingers, as she brought him up to her face.
“These little people as soo cute,” Beth oozed as she examined the screaming man wrapped in Tara’s soft fingers. “Let’s keep him as our pet,” Beth continued as she took the man in her left hand and placed him on her stomach. Gun shots could be heard from the boat below, as the remaining four passengers fired up at the giants. Tara simply leaned over the raft’s edge and sighed. PUNY PEOPLE, YOU’VE GOT TO LEARN TO RESPECT US GIANT GIRLS. With her left hand she sent the boat bubbling beneath the surface.
“Now Beth, don’t you have giant woman business to take care of over at that bridge?,” Tara inquired in a lazy sexy tone. “I guess I could formally introduce us,” Beth replied in a serious tone. “Have fun doing it though. Be sexy, girly, not stiff. You’re the giant woman, they’re the puny people. And give me that remote control thingy too,” Tara quipped.
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