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Review #3619325
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by A Guest Visitor
Review of First True Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Casey Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Two-in-One Poetry Contest Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Please take what I say that might help you improve your poem and throw the rest away.

I note that you rhyme only the 3rd & 4th line in each stanza, except the last. I think is ok
to rhyme only certain lines so long as you are consistent. The last stanza has no such 3/4 line rhyme: why not? Since this is a love story, you might consider building your story to a climactic ending. Change the order of your stanzas. Put stanza #1 in 2nd place and begin your poem
with "when I first saw you, etc.".
Your poem would have a little more balanced rhythm and flow if you would work on each line so you have 10 beats to the line ( iambic pentameter). For example : "I took a deep breath and picked up the phone (10) Next line: "My nerves make me shake, I'm out of control! (l0 beats)

Suggestion: work on your imagery. Don't tell me about your broken heart; show me with the imagery in each line. Get rid of all the "ing" words in your poem: for example, change "inviting" to invite, making to "make", falling to "fall" and make the surrounding thought work with those words. You can do it! This poem can be greatly improved. You just need to spend more time on it. Jackie
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 02/07/2012 @ 10:48am EST
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