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 Review #3806748 |
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| (3.5)| Please note - any suggestions are my personal opinion. Feel free to use them or ignore them. Title: "Invalid Item" Author: C.Evil Reviewed by: KerrieAnnS How I came by your work: I am reviewing your work as part of the "I Write in December-January-February" challenge. First Impression: Such a horrendous story of fear and betrayal. It reminds me of the holocaust and stories such as Anne Frank. Story line / Theme: We have a family that are being chased by soldiers for some reason. A friend hides them but then they are betrayed but someone also familiar. This story is an exploration of fear, betrayal and ultimately death. Characters: We have Bina and her family, soldiers and Mrs. Han. We get the impression that Bina is a young child, this is due to the mention of her piano teacher and her use of the word "Mommy". We don't know why Mrs Han decides to betray Bina and her family but it makes her disliked. It could have been that she had no choice, she was threatened herself, which would help us sympathise and understand. However, it could also be that there was a reward which would make her more dislikable. We also do not know who these soldiers are, who their orders come from. Writing Style/ Narrative Voice: This is written in the third person but focuses on Bina's point of view. Setting: You describe their surroundings as cold and musty, creating a lack of comfort. Descriptions: Apart from the description of the cellar you do not describe anything or anyone else much. What do the soldiers look like? Who do they follow/support/work for? Emotional Reaction: Anger that an unarmed family including women and children are gunned down so mercilessly. Beginning and End: We start with Bina and her family hiding but by the end they are betrayed and find themselves subject to gunfire. What I liked most: The familiar relationship between Bina and her betrayer. It hurts all the more, rather than a stranger having noticed them. Suggestions: You are rather repetitive and as there is a restriction of 100 words you could cut some of it down to give you more room for expansion and detail. Instead of saying the soldiers came through, they hid, and now the soldiers are back again you could just say they are hidden because the soldiers have come back. By saying they have come back implies in itself that they have been before. There are other small tweaks that could help free up some words. Your story is 98 words long, I took it and tried to see if I could reduce the word count and got 75: Bina stared out the Cellars window, her breath misting it's cold surface. Soldiers had returned and a friend had hidden them in this small, musty room. Bina saw Mrs. Han, her piano teacher approach a soldier. They spoke for a while before she pointed at the bakery, at us. “Mommy.” Bina whispered. Her Mom hugged her as they started crying, listening to footsteps approaching. The door was pushed open and the room filled with gunfire. Conclusion: A good story that brings up memories of the horrible mass murders taking place on a regular basis throughout the holocaust. Thank you for writing!    WRITE ON ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 01/11/2013 @ 5:19pm EST