Hello percy goodfellow ;

I am reviewing "Crisis 3: The faceoff"  as a student of the "Invalid Item"  and I would like to offer you some comments. Please note, before I begin, that I am not an expert at reviews and the following comments are provided with the best of intentions!

The overall feel:When I read the story, the feel I developed from it was tension, on all sides, that went through some interesting developments by the end of the story.

My favorite lines: By far, my favorite line is the end line: Let the matter rest, spoke a voice from within. “Until tomorrow then,” he replied with self assurance, “and discovery of what the new day brings.”
I loved this line for two reasons. It leaves the reader in suspense as it hints of difficulties to surmount in the future. This makes it an excellent ending to your present piece! Also, it succinctly demonstrates that Lord Koltar is a smart, patient, and precise man, adding to the reader's understanding of this character despite the limited use of words.

Plot: The plot was a little confusing. I understood that the Buffalo Tribe was preparing for war (suicide) against the Wardarians. To this end, they had sent the women and children away. Yet, Prince Koltar leads the Wardarians and the Buffalo Tribe recognize him as a ruler, in a way. The chief to the Prince that they were expecting another enemy, but there was no indication of surprise or confusion when the enemy was seen to be the Wardarians. Are they, or are they not, at war? Are they truly fighting against another enemy, and if so, why did they not stand down when they saw the Prince was coming?
Despite my confusion on this point, it was clear to me that there are some tensions between the two camps of people, and their alliance is strained.

Characters:You have done an incredible job of developing several characters in a very short time. I noticed that, following the dialoge between the two main characters, I had developed some level of sympathy and understanding for Prince Koltar, Rindar, and Ranthome. I was left wanting to know more about Volusia, who seems to play a crucial role in the story.
Having said that, there were some inconsistencies in the characters that created some confusion. As I noted, my impression of Prince Koltar was that he was smart, restrained, thoughtful. His outburst, "SHE'S MINE!" Koltar all but screamed; it did not appear to be in keeping with his character.
Also, Ranthome was ready to war and die against the Wardarians, knowing they outnumbered him. As he did not stand down immediately, it made me (as the reader) assume that he did not trust the Wardarians, did not hold them in high regard, and by extention, Prince Koltar. Yet, when the Prince asks him to sit closer, 'that all may see we are conversing as friends', you write that Ranthome could hardly believe the honour. Again, this created some confusion.
Finally, the Prince commands that Ranthome go find his family. Ranthome's main concern is that Volusia is now the Medicine Woman, yet does not appear at all interested in recruiting or requesting help to keep the settlement safe from Lord Marcutti.

Setting: As most of the story was structured around dialogue and was obviously not the whole story, you did not devote a lot of time to the setting. I do not believe the story suffered for it, however, as I feel you incorporated enough setting to give me (the reader) a good understanding of where I am and what the characters are doing. I particularly like the details about the defenses that the tribe developed.

Grammar, structure and flow:There were a few things I noticed:
-"the Great Lord seeks an audience. What do you suppose he wishes to discuss?(Change the period to a question mark)
-“A ripple of nervous almost hysterical laughter chortled along the line of tribesmen leaning forward on their spears…” I would get rid of the quotation marks and add a comma after nervous and hysterical. I would also change ... to .
-“This isn’t even a contest…replied the Chief. “A snap of his fingers and we would all be dead.”. I would change to “This isn’t even a contest," replied the Chief. “A snap of his fingers and we would all be dead.”
-You use ellipsis a lot throughout the story, and I wonder if it may be helpful to reduce that use, particularly when they are not being used in the context of a sentence half spoken.
-Gathering his dignity, Rathome, straightened his headdress, and swept his buffalo robe about his shoulders. I would delete some commas in the sentence: Gathering his dignity, Rathome straightened his headdress and swept his buffalo robe about his shoulders.
-“Margoles go and do the same,” The prince told his herald… “Have the Squadron make bivouac.” I would add a comma after Margoles. I would delete the ellipses after "herald" and substitute with a period.
-Make no apologies,” said Koltar, struggling with the words. The thought of Volusia laying with a Buffalo warrior, did not rest well with his sentiments. still he reasoned, taking a deep breath, without that intervention she would be dead and the children too… When you italicize, the impression is that this is Koltar's thought, however the statement does not sound like it would naturally come from Koltar, but rather from the narrator. I would also italicize the word "still" and add a comma after it.


What I liked most:I loved the story and storyline! Your dialogue was interesting and kept me hooked to the end. You have developed a fascinating story and entertaining characters in what seems to be only a few short characters. Brilliant!

What I would most like to share with you: This story is truly interesting, and I am looking forward to lurking around to read more! I have given the story 3.5 stars, and I would be happy to come back and re-rate it for you once the mentioned corrections have been made.

I hope some of the feedback I have provided is valuable. Feel free to discard anything that is not, and above all...Keep Writing!