Hi Sarah Kate,

Thanks for sharing this incredibly creepy story! Your bad guy was really compelling, and you revealed him well. I was definitely hooked by this story from beginning to end.

For criticism, I'd like to suggest maybe expanding on this. It's got a really interesting premise, which can be greatly strengthened if you develop the character of the narrator more so that she can also be a tool to explore your ideas in this vein. More about her as a person, and about her specific hopes and fears would serve to make her more relate-able and to deepen the reader's attachment to your character.

Also, I realize this was for the slice and was therefore limited by a word count, but now that the contest is over, it would be cool to see more of this story. You've done a great job of building a seriously tense situation here, and as a reader, I wanted more of a resolution. What's he going to do to her? Does she escape? What does their interaction tell us about the questions your antagonist raises?

There's one nitpick I'd like to point out. It's the only place where the language took me out of the story for a moment, and I'd like to stress that this story is overall very well written and engaging.

Natalie went stiff with fright as she began to realize how insane he was. - Here, it's implicit that she's realizing how insane he is because the reader also is. Mentioning it outright distances the reader from the narrator, whereas allowing it to remain unsaid strengthens the bond between reader and character.

Thanks again for sharing this story! I hope my comments are helpful, and that you had a very happy birthday!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .