Hi Peacelovexc! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Three Little Pigs" .

[The comments following purple check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest .]


Initial Reaction:

How fun that you put a fanfic twist on a children's classic tale! This was a lot of fun to read, and it left me with a healthy dose of pathos for the Big Bad Wolf.


What I liked:

Nice job with the introductory paragraph. Not only did it introduce the voice of the Wolf as the story's narrator, but it pulled me right into his camp of supporters. There was injustice done to him? He wasn't the villain we all believed he was? I had to read on!


Suggestions:

I suggest only dragging the editor's comb through this story a time or two, to tighten up its mechanics. Keep your eye out for noun-verb-modifier agreements and missing commas, in particular. I've included a couple examples below, to get you started.

The only other thing I noted was a few instances where you have unnecessary adverbs, such as in these sentence: I approached the houses at a brisk run. ~And~ The fat pig silently raised his eyebrows. I would consider removing the adverbs from these sentences because they feel redundant. If you think about it, a run is always brisk, and raising one's eyebrow never makes a sound.


Grammar/Spelling Oops:

While passing the brick house, a swish of the curtains caught my eye but I thought nothing of it. -- Remember that you need a comma before a conjunctive in compound complex sentences with two independent clauses. So, in this sentence you need a comma after "eye": While passing the brick house, a swish of the curtains caught my eye, but I thought nothing of it.

Frantically, I ran around both houses in search of a safe entrance, but found nothing. -- "in search of safe entrances" agrees better with "both houses."

A few seconds later, he reappeared with a fork and knife and made his way over to the poor little pigs that had died in the terrible fire with a cannibalistic grin. -- The last prepositional phrase in this sentence is misplaced and therefore modifying the wrong action. I suggest this rewrite: A few seconds later, he reappeared with a fork, a knife and a cannibalistic grin, and made his way over to the poor little pigs that had * died * in the terrible fire.

* An Idea: Maybe try "perished" in place of "died" here? The alliteration is really nice when it follows "poor little pigs," don't you think?

I really enjoyed reading your story today! Write on!!




Nicki



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .