This review is part of your Lightning Package from "Invalid Item" .

FIRST IMPRESSION: So far, this seems to be a futuristic story about a community trying to survive.

THOUGHTS: I'm glad that I decided to read your story! I really enjoyed this first chapter. I like these 'end of civilization as we know it' scenarios. I've been watching the Revolution show on TV! This has that same,'what if' feel to it.

ERRORS: I didn't notice any errors. Nice proof reading!

FAVORITE PART: I love how you made this a sort of introduction chapter. It will leave your readers imagining the conflicts which could possibly happen.

You told us at this point that the people in this community are being hunted. We learned that there is danger which causes them to constantly be on the move. You even demonstrated a moment when Ariel and Eve thought they were in harms way. I think you did a good job with the setting of your story.

My favorite part about this chapter was at the beginning. I liked how you began with the couple play fighting. It gives your readers a feel that learning defense is a common practice in this society, and we get an instant glimpse of your character's personalities.

SUGGESTIONS: I noticed that your tenses slip a bit here and there. I would suggest making sure only one tense is used so that it will read more smoothly.

Here's one example: "His voice has returned to normal. He stretches and takes a deep breath." I think this could actually either be, "His voice returns to normal. He stretches and takes a deep breath." ...Or, "His voice returned to normal. He stretched and took a deep breath."

I felt that a couple of your paragraphs could be improved. In one paragraph you had Ariel crouch down behind Eve, covering her so that only he could be seen. Doing that is only providing her cover, not concealment. I didn't understand how that would possibly help either of them. I think it might have made more sense to have him pull a long, thick branch of leaves over both of their crouched bodies. This way he could be the quick thinker, who would take that risk rather than chance danger to his friend.

The other paragraph which might be improved is your second to last. Eve said, "I just tend to be so me..." That's great, but I read the paragraph over twice, and she really doesn't express what it is she's expected to be like. It just seemed like a lot of filler words.

Great work with your chapter! Other than just those tiny little things, it all seemed wonderful to me.







My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .