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 Review #3951091 |
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| Hello there, Amalie Cantor - We Got This!  ! Indelible Ink  here, with review of your work. This is just my opinion, be it right or wrong, and you are free to take as much - or as little - as you'd like from my comments. My standard practice is to paste your entire story into the review tool, which makes my comments easier to understand (in theory, anyway). In this instance, however, I didn't feel it necessary, as I didn't find enough stuff to criticize to warrant that. That being said, let's get on with it... 1) Overall Impression: I very much enjoyed this story. I found it gripping from the start to end. All I can say is, if you can get me emotionally invested to the degree you did -- right from the start -- you've done something right. And that was the case here. I felt I knew Jaime, Donald, Jennifer, and even Diana, in a posthumous sense. Nice job. 2) Best Part(s): You had me anticipating from the very beginning the inevitable meeting between Donald and Jaime, and at times I was optimistic -- at others, pessimistic -- as to the result of when they finally met. It was well-told and realistic; I felt I had a very clear mental depiction of what was happening throughout. 3) What I Thought Needed Some Help: A couple of minor items for me: 1) In the first flashback, when they're discussing the ice cream. So dad wasn't going to get Rocky Road for Jaime after her 'amazing' performance, but they were still going to pick some up for her brother? Maybe I misunderstood what was happening there, but if I didn't, Donald's response to Jaime's request didn't seem likely or realistic under the circumstances. 2) The second flashback, very last line: She had worked to restore his; he could offer no less. It seems to me like somehow, part of that sentence was accidentally deleted, as the thought -- as presented, anyway, doesn't make sense to me. Maybe 'worked to restore his relationship'? I don't know for sure, but it needs clarification. 4) Why I Gave It The Rating I Did: Again, I thought this was well-written and a pleasure to read, as I enjoyed it immensely. I don't know how you fared in the contest, or if you've edited it since then, but I have to think you did rather well with the judges. 5) Suggestion(s):Just the two minor items I pointed out; other than those, I like the way you tell a story. It was a pleasure to review, and I wish you well with your future endeavors. Oh, and by the way, this is a ** Image ID #1533819 Unavailable ** I certainly hope this was of some benefit to you. If not, come on over, read one of my items, and rip me a new one! After all: I'm a Rising Stinkin' Star; I can take it!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 02/10/2014 @ 6:13pm EST