Hi Bonnie ,

This review is a part of "Game of Thrones"  [13+].

Overall Impression:

This is a sweet little story, dear author. The happiness of the girl getting her first car. The impression she had of Big Daddy. The happiness of the father as well, being able to help his daughter get the car that she wanted. It made me smile.

The beginning of the story made me curious as to what "it" was, and it ends on a pleasing, light note.

Suggestions:

I do have some suggestions, Bonnie. I hope that you will find them helpful.

Paragraph 1:

I would place a comma after "door".

Paragraph 2:

I would capitalise the "h" in "her", because it's the start of a new sentence.

Paragraph 3:

I would place a comma after "means".

Paragraph 4:

He threw car keys in her direction reflex action caught them.

This sentence is a bit confusing. Maybe, "He threw the car keys in her direction. With a swift, reflexive reaction she snatched them from the air."

Looking at them, she began squealing.

"to squeal" perhaps?

Paragraph 6:

She ran to him, her arms going round his neck, she smothered him in big sloppy kisses.

Maybe "She ran to him, and wrapping her arms around his neck, she smothered him in big sloppy kisses"?

Paragraph 7:

The comma after "up" should be a period.

Paragraph 8:

`Don’t have to’ as she danced around the kitchen, I know I know!’

Maybe - "Don't have to." She danced around the kitchen. "I know, I know!"

I would add the next line of dialogue to this as well, because it's still the same person speaking.

Paragraph 11:

`Oops’ she blushed.

Maybe - "Oops..." She blushed.

Paragraph 13:

Big Daddy, gave them a loud welcome, his appearance was funny.

Maybe - Big Daddy gave them a loud welcome. His appearance was funny.

There are a few extra spaces in the next sentence. Those can be removed.

Paragraph 14:

He pulled the top of his jeans away from his waist, with his thumbs as he chatted. He did a sort of squat with his knees then he shifted his hat, with his forefinger, by the fifth time, she saw this Paige felt the giggles coming on, rather than try to stifle them, she excused herself.

Maybe - As he chatted with them, his thumbs hooked into the top of his jeans, pulling them away from his waist. He squatted his knees, and then he'd let go of his jeans to shift his hat with his forefinger. Watching the man's strange mannerisms, Page felt a rise of the giggles, and she excused herself.

Paragraph 15:

The "g" in "golf" should be capitalised.

I suggest placing a period after "her".

Paragraph 18:

I would place comma after "Dad".

"to" should be "too".

The "t" in "then" should be capitalised.

The comma after "out" should be a period.



That is it for my technical suggestions. I hope that you found them helpful!



Characters:

Paige - Paige sounds like a nice, bubbly young woman. I take it that this is her first car. I can understand her excitement, especially when she gets the car that she thought was too expensive.

Dad - Dad seems nice as well, and it's easy to understand his joy in giving his daughter the car that she really wanted.

Big Daddy - He sure does sound like a character!

Storyline:

Paige has been eagerly awaiting the arrival of her new car. She is thrilled to find that it's the car of her dreams.

I do wonder what "it" was, though? Because it's her dad who had the keys.

Wording:

The wording of this piece is pleasant. It does need a little tidy up, as suggested above, but I enjoyed the tone.

Layout:

*snow* I suggest placing line breaks between your paragraphs. That makes an item look more inviting, and easier to read on a screen.



My Rating:

This is a sweet little story. I was happy to read it.

I did have quite a few suggestions, however. Your piece has a lot of potential, but it just needs a bit of love to get it perfect. For that reason, I will give it a rating of 2.5 out of 5.

Thank you for sharing your work, and write on!

Kit




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .