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 Review #4247287 |
| (3.0)| Review brought to you by: "Game of Thrones" by Creeper Of The Realm  PLOT - Paul is tired when he comes to Mrs. Dietz's class. He's infatuated with the attractive teacher, but that isn't enough to keep him awake. Soon he falls asleep in class and is taken into an erotic dream with his instructor, where Paul is shrunk to not even a foot tall. SETTING - There were good moments when Paul is shrunk as she looks upon his teacher as a giantess. I liked some of the visuals and descriptive choices you made. For instance the fact that every time he kissed her he became smaller and had to figure out new ways to move around her body. You described her prone form well. CHARACTERS - Mrs. Dietz Paul's attractive teacher. Paul who is turned on by his teacher and winds up dreaming about her. GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE - The giantess doesn't seem to notice him at all. As her reaches her thighs, He/Her tits are like mountains in the background. He/Hertongue quickly disappears back into her mouth. "Ahhhhhhh!" screams Paul in the classroom. Mrs. Deitz stops her lecture and looks over at her loud student. "Mr. Morris, do you have a problem?" As Paul opens his eyes, he realizes everyone is staring at him. "No Mrs. Dietz. Sorry, it won't happen again," says Paul. "I hope not," replies Mrs. Dietz. The class continues, but there is only ten minutes left. Paul snaps out of his dream state and tries to listen to as much as he can. "Okay, that's it for today," says Mrs. Dietz. All the students file out of the room and Paul is the last one. "You must have had an interesting dream Mr. Morris," Mrs. Dietz says to Paul. "Uh yeah, again sorry about that," replies Paul. "Okay, see you next time," says Mrs. Dietz as she winks at Paul. Paul's stomach begins to flutter as he turns and walks out of the room. When working with dialog you need to break it up so it's easier to follow and each person speaking stands out from other. "Ahhhhhhh!" screams Paul in the classroom. Mrs. Deitz stops her lecture and looks over at her loud student. "Mr. Morris, do you have a problem?" As Paul opens his eyes, he realizes everyone is staring at him. "No Mrs. Dietz. Sorry, it won't happen again," says Paul. "I hope not," replies Mrs. Dietz. The class continues, but there is only ten minutes left. Paul snaps out of his dream state and tries to listen to as much as he can. "Okay, that's it for today," says Mrs. Dietz. All the students file out of the room and Paul is the last one. "You must have had an interesting dream Mr. Morris," Mrs. Dietz says to Paul. "Uh yeah, again sorry about that," replies Paul. "Okay, see you next time," says Mrs. Dietz as she winks at Paul. Paul's stomach begins to flutter as he turns and walks out of the room. Work on dialog tags. There are a lot to choose from which makes the dialog stand out and become more memorable. THOUGHTS - A lot of this story was told as it unfolded. There were good moments when you showed what was happening and that drew me in, but when the story was told that pulled me right out of it. When working with erotic material it isn't enough to just tell us what your characters are doing, we want to follow along on the journey but have the same experience as well. When you describe an action, really dive into it using sense of touch, smell, and what those sensations not only do to the one experiencing it, but the one that its being done to as well. Do they moan with excitement? Is that a turn on? What sounds can you illicit from the characters being explored? Think about really honing in on certain story points that will pull your reader in further and want to be those characters.   
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