Greetings {huser:Captain Tony Nelson (Tv show)}

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !


In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red


OVERALL IMPRESSION
Good story flow and good character set-up. Although I fully understand by you used so many abbreviations (to help set up the atmosphere of the story), but I was a bit put off by so many. The process stopped the flow of the story, as my brain tried to figure out what they all stood for. Technically, you should never use an abbreviation for something unless you have already stated what it is beforehand. An example would be: What is a Macbee? It is never explained.

I did like the use of Area 51 being called Dreamland. This brought a smile to my face.

What I Liked Best:
You did a very good job of setting the scene. It was easy to tell this was going to be sci-fi.

WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT

Opening Sentence:
Main character Harris Wilson, Stellar Planetary League President, introduced. We know his name and he has been solidly placed into the opening situation.

Opening Paragraph:
Hook in first paragraph: "... sat at a console on his ship, watching the vid-screen of two captured ships floating close by in orbit around the planet, which he'd named New Hope. ..." I have also found you keep a steady flow of hooks throughout the piece with each introduction of a new character.

Plot:
The plot is the taking down of Harris Wilson who has decided he likes the power he has had for the last five years, by the Intergalactic Crime Protection Unit. Felicity (Cee) A. Charles and Harlan Williams, undercover agents, will be working together to do this.

Character Development:
Harris Wilson: Antagonist; Age: late 40's early 50's; Stellar Planetary League President for five years; about to be replaced against his wishes. Goal: He was slated to leave office at the end of the year, and he couldn't give up all this power. And so now, he planned to seize it all for himself and hold on to it. (stated by Harris)

Felicity (Cee) A. Charles: Protagonist; Age: Early 20's; University graduate, with two degrees (Cybernetics and Artificial Intelligence); recruited by Intergalactic Crime Prevention Unit (ICPU); Goal: You are to watch and listen, for now, as well as to complete your training. If you have suspicions of anyone, pass on your information. Do not investigate further for any reason." (stated by The President)

Harlan Williams: Protagonist; Age: late 30's early 40's;
Albert Larson: Secondary Character; Age: mid-forties; level 14 agent of the Intergalactic Crime
Prevention Unit; Goal: His new assignment ostensibly was as a pilot in training at Dreamland, but, as an agent for the ICPU, his true assignment was to find a saboteur if one even existed. (stated in thought by Harlan)

The President: Secondary Character, not named;

Captain Jolley - disembodied voice. I would not put a name to this character because he/she is not a necessary character. Maybe you could says something like: " .... the voice stated ..."

Dialog:
The dialog is believable. Because of the way you have the introduction of the three main characters divided, it is not difficult at the present time to tell who is talking. Harris is coming across as very much to-the-point when he talks. If you can keep Harlan, a bit on the cocky side there shouldn't be much of a problem in the future either. Cee should stay straight by just the words she uses.

Spelling & Punctuation:
masters (cap)

Harlan is at 55k feet when he starts to have problems. I think this altitude would put him at the level where he would normally require oxygen. You have the dome closing. Is this an extra dome over the enclosed dome already there? A bit confusing.)

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/
http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp


CLOSING STATEMENT
I liked this piece and will be interested to see where you go from here. Good start.

Starling