Greetings {huser: Sciwriter}

I am reviewing "Diamond Casebooks "  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !
Title and Author:

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red

Plot::
Mr. Diamond owns a detective agency. Due to the need for money he has started working for an unsavory organization who does not take no as an answer. Diamond has been "hired" to find an item. He never works with a partner but the organization has made him accept one anyway.

Hook:
I am old enough to appreciate the way you are writing this story to give the affect of an old dectective story from around the 1940's. That being said I didn't find anything I could have considered a real hook until this: My heart sinks; standing in the doorframe, and much to my annoyance is the bulk of Opas Holburn, a man whose reputation within the corporate sector is shady, to say the least. Holburn, known to most as the Caretaker, oversees all the underhanded dealings of the Manso Syndicate, a corporate body that rules virtually everything on Sempra. It is my opinion, younger readers will not stay with the story until they reach this point.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening sentence and paragraph do not "grab" the reader. You are introducing the scene but not the main character, which the first paragraph should at a minimum give us a hint as to who he is.

Characters Development:
??? Diamond - owner of Diamond Investigations
Opas Holburn - known to most as the Caretaker, oversees all the underhanded dealings of the Manso Syndicate,
Apri - beautiful woman who turns out to be an AI


Dialogue:


Punctuation and Structure:

... Centura loan centre,(caps on these two words) even more ominous depressing...

Della, had she still been with me would have finished them days ago and neatly filed them away.

“What ya (need apostrophe on "ya' ") want Holburn?” I didn’t really want to know the answer.

Holburn’s large frame crosses to my desk in three large strides and fully blocks my view of the door. (not a new paragraph) “I have a small task for you,” he grates through yellowing teeth. I really like the use of the word "grates" here. It is perfect for a description of the man's voice.)

... neck as he leant over the desk and almost whispered. (not a new paragraph) “I don’t see anyone else ...

Of course ' (comma not apostrophe) he is right since working for the Manso Syndicate...

... some stinking low-life had snatched my licence (spelling) shield.

If I ever get hold of… I reminisced; something quickly dragged me back to reality, Holburn’s loud gob. I would end the sentence after "I reminisced" and start a new sentence with "Something"... You really don't even need the words "I reminisced", but this is my opinion. Only you know how you want this to sound.

I blink, realising(spelling) I’d been staring at Apri with my jaws agape. Her sapphire locks cascaded down her amply exposed cleavage and frames framed a face of rare

Eagerly I jump to my feet and gently grip her hand, and instantly withdraw it realising (spelling)

... I answer.(not a new paragraph) “No way Holburn, I’m not having any Syndicate android in tow and that’s final!”

“You’ll do as required without question; other wise (one word) you know...

... track these individuals.” (not a new paragraph) Holburn slaps a holo-imager onto the desk; ...
Avoiding eye contact with Apri I reach out and shut down the imager. (not a new paragraph) “What’d they get away with?”

... I stammer quite unprofessionally to my discredit. (not a new paragraph) “So, so what’s this item Holburn spoke of?”

She smiles. (not a new paragraph) “I do not know...

... the couple of words and saying the rest.) (not a new paragraph) “Okay, so as I see it, when you are near this item you’ll know what it is and where it is, right?”

Closing Statement
I was able to tell right away you were trying for a Bogie/McCall, 1940's type scenario set in the future. It was interesting and I enjoyed the nestalgic feeling it gave me to read what you wrote.

I have only reviewed up to but not including: "Standard passenger transport en-route to Japora", part of your submission because I am seeing more than one chapter written. Please see the below information on how I determined this.
( http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-writing-goal/complete-first-dra... )

BREAK CHAPTERS WHEN YOUR STORY REQUIRES A SHIFT.
Changes of place, changes of time and changes of point of view are all excellent places for chapter breaks. Sometimes, our stories necessitate them. For example:

END OF ONE CHAPTER:
He wiped the sweat from his forehead, took one last squinting look up at the flat, brassy African sky and straightened his limp, damp jacket as well as he could. “We’re done here,” he told Howard. “Let’s get to the airport.”BEGINNING OF NEXT CHAPTER:
Maine. Cool, misty, green. A pewter-colored sky …

A chapter break like this underscores the fact that there’s been a significant change of some kind—of place, of perspective, of point of view, of plot direction. It jogs your reader’s mind, telling him that it’s time for a reorientation, a retaking of his bearings.

Thank you for submitting. I would be pleased to finish the review on this piece when the contest is over. Please email me and let me know.

Starling

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