Some initial thoughts,

"Dr. Dalton Winslow loaded his program. His fingers tapped on his desk, waiting was always the hard part. He'd poured his heart and soul into his vision of creating an AI like none other ever envisioned. These AIs would revolutionize robotics and make the armed forces obsolete. In many ways he felt like a father awaiting the birth of his first child, except there were six of them. The first six of what he envisioned as millions."

One of the supposed first rules of first chapters, is that you have to have an amazing hook in the very first paragraph, if not the very first line.

Without rewriting what you already have, you can easily move some sentences around to make a more dynamic opening passage.

For example:

" In many ways he felt like a father awaiting the birth of his first child, except there were six of them. The first six of what he envisioned as millions. Dr. Dalton Winslow loaded his program. His fingers tapped on his desk, waiting was always the hard part. He'd poured his heart and soul into his vision of creating an AI like none other ever envisioned. These AIs would revolutionize robotics and make the armed forces obsolete."

What do you think?


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SteamPunk Newsletter Out Now!

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Johny Thundersbeard
Editor, Mentor & Member.
"The Steampunk Authors' Guild " 
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WDC Author of the Month May 2012
30DBC Administrator, Judge & Rejigger 2012.
Forum Master "Invalid Item"  2016.

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