Greetings andy78

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "Chapter One Competition. " .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !


OVERALL IMPRESSION
WHAT WORKED
WHAT DIDN'T WORK
OPENING PARAGRAPH
PLOT

OVERALL IMPRESSION

This is a good fanfiction first chapter. Some scenes had me riveted in my seat. I liked the way it was written. I thought it could use a bit more emotion and some parts told the story and didn't show it. The end hook was good as it made me want to read the next chapter but the beginning hook needs work. It didn't grab my attention at all or make me want to read the story as much as I think it should have.

WHAT WORKED

The fact it was familiar worked well. Most readers know Harry Potter and this made it like visiting an old friend. I enjoyed the backstories as they gave it a feeling of explaining why the characters acted as they did in the movies.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

The references from the book didn't work for me. In my opinion, they helped tell the story and did nothing to show the story.

OPENING PARAGRAPH

The opening paragraph didn't entice me to read the story. It told me what the boy did but didn't tell me what he did. Maybe, and this is just a suggestion, 'Harry backed out of the room, turned and ran straight into...'

PLOT

The plot is a between book plot. Harry sees his own future and we are told a background story about how and why things happened in the book.

Thank you for sharing and keep writing.

NAME DMT1967 AKA JACKIE

"Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis"