Greetings Sciwriter

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 3 !


In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red

I will start this review by pointing out grammatical and spellings issues.

P3 I hadn’t cried in years , not since I was a kid , but the sight

needs comma after 'years' and 'kid'.

P6 marines

Here in the States, Marine is capitalize. I do not know if that is true for the UK.

P7 My heart thumped , my breath short as I ran for cover;

need a comma after 'thumped'

P9 I checked the magazine on my weapon , it held a full load.

add a comma between 'weapon' and 'it'.


P 13 & P14 Tramin nodded while studying the holographic schematic of Caspia city; he ran his finger across the map and said.

“Is Major Fletcher on the move?”

This would work better as one sentence instead of two. Change the period after 'said' to a comma and place quotation marks around the last sentence.

P21 A runner enters the room and immediatelycomes to attention.

You changed from past tense to present tense.


P24 & P25 “Well, for once Fletcher has obeyed orders,” Tramin states with a smile, then continues with,

“Have the pathfinders move inward to link up with Fletcher.”

make this a single sentence

P31 As it moves through the air towards him he realises
that it is all up to him,

This sentence is split into two sections. Make it one single line. 'realises' should be 'realizes'

P32 I guess I must’ve passed out, coz when

When characters speak, you can use slang words occasionally like 'coz' but when you as the writer are describing the scene or action, it would be better to use the more formal, 'because'.


P38 & P39 I forced a smile but thought he must be one hard-hearted bastard. Danko spat a wad of phlegm onto the dusty floor and said.

“You need to get-a-grips with that passing out thing! Next time I mightn’t be here to drag your ass to safety! How long you been with the brigade anyway?”

Make a single paragraph instead of two.

P54 “Sad to say your mother, bless her isn’t fairing too well,

comma after 'her'

The story is told primarily in first person. I did not see a name for him. Somewhere you need to let the reader know who it is we are following.

You move from present tense to past tense several times in this work. You need to pick just one and stick with it.

Whenever you write a sentence and it has the word 'had' or 'that' in it, read the sentence to yourself twice out loud. Once with the word in the sentence and next without it. If it makes sense without the 'had' or 'that', drop it. Your work reads better and sounds more professional without the unneeded word.

You have several flashbacks in this chapter. You may want to consider reducing them.

Your opening paragraphs lets the reader know this is a war novel, with some type of alien as the attacker, and it seems the war is not going well for the human defenders.

The protagonist has suffered greatly in this war. He has lost family and friends, and all around him his teammates are dying. I can place myself in his position and want him to succeed in battling this reptilian like enemy and saving his planet. I see great battles ahead and hope he does well in them.

At the end of this chapter, you have the hero covered in debris with an alien standing next to him. The reader does not know if the alien sees him or not or what the hero's next move might be. This is a good hook to get the reader to move to the next chapter.

This chapter builds a good foundation for a war between this planet's native populace and the invaders. I would want the read the next chapter of the novel

Happy writing,
John














My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .