Greetings Paul D

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 32 !


In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red


OVERALL IMPRESSION
It's an interesting premise to have AIs helping out with dangerous tasks, not to mention becoming more human with human interaction. The three different point of views made it difficult to connect fully to any one character.

What I Liked Best:
I like the idea of the story. It's a dangerous world we live in, unfortunately, and having some outside help that only was there to help others and keep them safe is something the world needs.

WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT

Opening Sentence:
You gave the character name and what they were doing! Great.

Opening Paragraph:
Has a good hook and gets us into the mind of the Doctor.

Plot:
Dr. Winslow has created AIs to use as protection aids against the evils of the world. The government shuts his program down and orders him to destroy the AIs, but he cannot get rid of his life's work and hides them away. Two AIs go missing, and one feels human, naming himself Otto and sets out to explore and help others.

Character Development:
You have three character point of views in this opening chapter, which makes it difficult to connect to anyone and root for them. Dr. Winslow is like a mad scientist, unable to take no for an answer. Otto is an AI gone rogue, out to help people. Guin is attacked. If this is it for her part of the story, I would omit her pov and tell this part from Otto's pov.

Dialog:
The dialogue is all internal except for the brief scene at the end. The internal dialogue did give us glimpses of the characters.

Spelling & Punctuation:
No issues.

Grammar:
When he left the facility, a loud clap of thunder startled him, then he saw a bolt of lightening.

Continuity:
Although you have proper breaks in between each section where the character pov's shift, it was still a little jarring at how frequent they were for an opening chapter.

Form:
There is a lot of backstory and telling in this chapter.

Clarity:
I believe the plot is of Dr. Winslow proving his AIs could help the community and are for the greater good, which is clearly the goal of Dr. Winslow.

Hook:
The beginning hook is the creation of the AIs, the ending hook would be that Otto saved Guin.

CREATIVITY and PRESENTATION

Structure:
I think the chapter could use some tweaking to strengthen it. There are too many POV shifts that make hard to care about the characters.

Figurative Language & Vocabulary:
I did appreciate that the way both the Dr. and Otto spoke were distinctly different and clear.

Rhythm & Meter:
The short scenes took away the flow of the story.


CLOSING STATEMENT
I do like the idea of this story and the endless possibilities of where you could take Otto.

Purple Holiday Givings



Gives us this:

A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop
The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .