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 Review #4259459 |
      A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the New Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings Satuawany: I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the First Annual "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" What I Liked Best:Everything between here: Duraneir Bel halted in the middle of the corridor. And here: The colors of a stone well and the darkness within it that had once tried to claim a boy's life. Plot | Character Development | Dialog : I have to group these three together, because you have woven this tale so well, they cannot be separated. As for the rest of my usual template,well, I'm not going to need it. Writing like this just blows me away: "I am not---" Dust coated Neir's throat, shortening his denial with a round of coughing. Thealone crossed his arms. The rising sun beyond the dirty panes at his back cast him in silhouette. Thealone's tone mocked the urgency—the gnawing surety Neir felt that he needed to stay by Thealone's side. If only he knew why. What good was his empathy if emotions defied definition? If they never revealed their origins? Biting back on that frustration, Neir moved toward his brother, resting his hands on the back of a chair that stood between them. "I am not shadowing you." "You are." The backlighting hid Thealone's expression, but his voice had dropped an octave. "And I would have an explanation." Neir cleared his throat. "I have none." It is the epitome of showing. My senses were piqued in grand symphony throughout this piece. This snippet I pulled out, illustrates everything I love about this chapter - the way you crafted it. There is story, there is sensation, there is immersion and identification with the characters in universal situation. So much is said between them, but so much more is revealed through their actions, the way they move, the tone of their voices... You had me in the palm of our literary hand. I coughed with Neir. I saw Thealone in silhouette. The dust particles in the air around him, and they made my eyes twitch. That mocking tone fell upon my ears almost as though he were right here. Hopelessness grew inside me, and I knew the brothers were going to stay at odds. Neir's body language revealed his utter sincerity, and his dilemma and obstacle became mine. That octave drop said so much words cold never convey. Thealone has no intention of listening to hm. It's so difficult to explain to someone you just know something. And I, I experienced every second of it, as though it were all happening to me. Just ... wow. I was going to ask you to review my novel, but now I think I'll just tell you my plot and beg you to write it for me.   You are a master of showing through description and dialog. I saw it, felt it, heard it, smaller it, even tasted the musty air. You allowed me to be much more than a fly on the wall, you allowed me to inhabit your character and ride the story from the inside out. I'm beside myself over here. (You realize you just blew our contest out of the water with this, dontcha, Chy?) Your Words My Impressions as I Read Editing Suggestions There were a couple/few things I either questioned or just wanted to comment on; ya know, just so I feel like I actually did my job here. Selen 3, Aendella 63 254 years after Saedyn's Slaughter LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS! Corriagar flew up from behind Neir and landed on his shoulder, a comforting weight even if her talons pricked him through his shirt. She toyed with a lock of his sandy-red hair. I believe this is a minor POV violation as he would not think of his own hair this way. in his bones This is a cliche, but I don't care. Just feel obligated to point it out. Corriagar flew up from behind Neir Good intro of shortened name, It's close enough to the top to make it obvious without needing to beat the reader over the head with what you are doing. forced strides into a slow march. Why "march"? Is there a reason for marching? Seems odd. Took my attention. Could not feel his brother's emotion could only feel he had to stay. Maybe "sense" instead of feel. Oh look at me trying to be a part of this story. Yeah Carol, give it up. You ain't nevah gonna write dis good! *Bows to Chy.* I'm enjoying the empathy angle, and that Neir cannot fathom it's reasonings. He cannot conjure it up, control it, or even understand what drives it; it conjures, controls, drives him. So the gift of empathy, in essence, becomes a character. Delicious! CLOSING STATEMENT Thank you for joining in the Competition. I'm blown away by this story and want to read the rest of it as soon as I can.   This review has been prepared for you by a proud member of ** Image ID #1953557 Unavailable **   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/15/2016 @ 3:31pm EDT