Firstly, I don't like to use review templates, I just read and scroll up and down taking notes and impressions as I read.

I don't usually comment on grammar as there are so many grammar experts on this site that I'm sure that others have already regaled you with your mistakes (tongue-in-cheek).

My biggest advice,however, with grammar is: commas. If you learn one thing about grammar learn about commas. They are fricking awesome and versatile. The things you can do with them, once you know how, will enliven your writing. It's like learning how to mix colours when you paint. Sure, I can grab the box of 100 oil paints and paint 100 colours in my landscape or portrait and it will look good. But, when I learn how to mix those colours to make 10000 nuances of colour....well, that's when the magic happens. (I also write my reviews very casually, and you will see I don't practice what I just preached in my reviews. My stories, however, I try to make the effort).


I like the way the opening paragraph talks about how great Caelburn will be for the narrator, then the second paragraph has the emphatic denial of good fortune. All done in an understated manner which works well. It would have been easy to fall into a trap of offering an over the top exuberance that everything was awesome in that opening paragraph rather then the dry, human manner you've presented it. By the end of the reading, I could see that you are trying to present the town and county as a colourful entity in and of itself.

I would be wary however of claiming to have an uninteresting protagonist/narrator. As much as I love mythology and especially comic books, and as much as I've enjoyed his other books, I couldn't finish Neil Gaiman's American Gods as I found the protagonist Shado to be utterly, utterly boring and bland. I've read other books where this wasn't an issue, so I don't know what the answer is here, but when the narrator himself puts up his hand and says "You're not going to find me interesting", it's a massive red flag to stop reading. In this regard, you really did yourself a disservice, as your narrator (Gordie Fivecoats?) is actually quite an interesting fellow.

Your whole story is very atmospheric and tense. Your descriptions seem to really capture small time America. Little aspects like spitting in the dirt, dust coming up in a cloud, the children coughing up blood on each other; it's all very well done and kept me reading even when I started to get a bit confused.

A lot of my confusion I think stems from Kirby and Gordie acting like they are policemen in name only. No talk of arrests, even when two young, sick children suddenly die. When Cort ran, surely these seasoned officers of the law would have reacted rather then just stand there and have a chat? I guess my only real complaint with this story (or excerpt of your larger story) is that the characters aren't pro-active enough. Your writing presented with a real-life, down-and-gritty Americana atmosphere that was well executed and extremely readable. There's just a little bit of "suspension of disbelief" at issue.

All-in-all, you can colour me intrigued to read more.





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Johny Thundersbeard
Editor, Mentor & Member.
"The Steampunk Authors' Guild " 
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WDC Author of the Month May 2012
30DBC Administrator, Judge & Rejigger 2012.
Forum Master "Invalid Item"  2016.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .