Hi Gaea ! I'm stopping by your portfolio today to take a look at the first chapter of your book, "Private (Shadows)."

Oh wow, you have lots of chapters up! Very exciting! If I get into your story, I'm excited to keep reading! So far in the first chapter, we were introduced to your two main characters, Lisa and Jeremy. Lisa seems like a hardworking, level-headed, strong woman. However, I'm already getting an icky feeling about Jeremy ... he is too suave and too "pretty-boy" for my liking right now, but it is great for his character that you were able to portray that for me right away. I guess I will see where his story goes.

Overall, you did intrigue me with this first chapter. You introduced what I believe will be the main plot line of scandal surrounding the Jacobsons. I feel like you are leaving me clues already, with Mrs Jacobson #3 speeding away from the scene and the cat stalking the bulldog ... hmmm, I'm interested!

Formatting wise, I think you could make your words easier to read by separating each paragraph by a line space instead of by an indent. I find this is much easier to read on a computer screen, and not to mention easier to upload to WDC because you wont have to add the pesky {indent} codes! If you do add those spaces between paragraphs, you'd need a small page break symbol to signify the time jump. Perhaps or <><><>. You might also think about upping the font size and making the Chapter title stand out a bit more as well. Perhaps with an underline or an even larger font.

Finally, I know you are currently working on editing this, so some places where I think you might be able to make some beneficial changes would be in your descriptions. Currently, there is a lot of telling rather than showing. The paragraph that starts with "Jeremy Watt had been her private investigation partner at Shadows for two years" is a good example. Is there a way you can integrate the information about his physical appearance through the story?

Thank you for sharing your writing! I'll try to take a look at chapter two in a bit. Take care,
Emily

You responded to this review 09/07/2018 @ 6:40pm EDT

Upgraded Membership required to use macros.Create custom macros to insert text in this editor. [Beta] X   GIPHY Search   Send a reply... Include Gift Points