Hi MysteryBox!

This was one of those great stories that even upon realizing it could be really long, I really wanted to find out what happens. Sometimes a story can drag to the point where it's too overwhelming and snuffs out the reader's desire to reach the end, I think we've all read a few (I know I've written a few ) like that.
Your characters were super likable, and deep. The bond between Brooke and Devin was really palpable. You managed to take me along for the emotional ride with them. The fun they have together, the life changes (the period incident was hilarious and ominous at the same time), the panic when she went missing, it was all there for me. I have multiple kids, and the games they play are a LOT like the games Brooke and Devin played together, so that hit home to me.

The imagery of the lake and the island was well written, I think you did a good job showing your reader where the story was unfolding.

There were only a couple of bits where I was kinda cloudy on what was actually happening.

"The winds had picked up as well and waves crashed against the jagged rocks that nestled the water’s edge. It was than that I saw the canoe. (***I'm not big on being a grammar nazi, but as long as we're here, it should be then instead of than***)

In hindsight, I should have noticed that it was missing when I went around the house to get my bike. Even from 30 yards away I could see the canoe pulled up on the sandy beach of the island."

I'm guessing you're saying he was thinking he should've noticed the canoe missing from it's usual spot and then immediately looked for it on the island? The sequence of noticing and seeing reads like it's communicated the other way around. (that could just be to me, of course)

I noticed a couple of times you stated outright stuff like "but it didn't end there" or "that wasn't the end" where it wasn't actually necessary to do so, and that kind of misdirected me here and there. (again, could totally be just me. I'm easy to misdirect, magicians LOVE me)

For example at the beginning of chapter six, you could've nixed the "but the story didn't end there" and just put us right into chapter six. Also in the middle of chapter six: "And that was it. When I turned 18 I started community college, and the following year Brooke moved three hours away to attend KSU.

But that wasn’t it.

No, the real story came five years later."

That interlude made the chapter kinda choppy as well, it was definitely important to transition the timing between entering college and five years later when he received the call about her death, but in my humble opinion it would flow better to just state "five years later" when he got the call.

With a couple of re-reads it would be easy to tweak and fine-tune to adjust some stuff, if in fact you agree with what I've put here. I feel like there's no such thing as too much reworking.

All in all, I really love this story. You owe your Dad a beer for daring you to write it! Your use of humor is awesome, as is your ability to give us enough suspense and imagery to make it a truly frightening story.

Thanks for the great read!

-TPB


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .