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Review #4460306
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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: | (3.5)
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Hi Lovina Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. [E]. This is part of your Seasons Tickets prize.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This is an interesting concept for a story. I like how you build the suspense and keep the reader on the edge of their seats. We know that danger is on its way to the prisoners, but we don't know how close they are and who, if any, among them will escape.

Plot: This is a dark tale of a world following a meteor shower that has left people at the mercy of some Monsters. Ten prisoners are huddled in a cell. The Monsters pick them off, one by one, and eat them alive. I love your description of your main character watching them eat her father. Very grisly and brilliant for this horror genre. In this story, the question is ... Who will escape?

Characters: Okay. I'm going to admit I'm a little confused here. Linda. Is she the main character's best friend? Or is she the main character and the main character is her soul? I thought they were separate characters until the end when Linda says, "'t…they c…can’t h…hurt my s…soul.'" Then, I thought about your brief description, where you say, "They may kill her but they could not have her soul." and I wondered if they are the same person? Maybe I'm reading too much into this. I'm not sure.

Grammar: I have a few suggestions which I'll put in a dropnote.
Grammar Suggestions ▼

What I liked: I love the part where the main character hopes the infection kills her because "otherwise she would find out first hand what it felt like to be food." That made me smile. I also love the friendship of these ladies. But, again, I wonder whether they are one. The main character isn't named, so maybe she is Linda. I find this intriguing. I also love the suspense as we wait to witness the Monsters for ourselves.

Suggestions: I appreciate sometimes it is better to leave descriptions to the reader's imagination, and I think that's what you were trying to do with the Monsters. By not telling us what they are like, we get to imagine them in our minds as we choose. However, I felt a bit underwhelmed by them because there are almost no descriptions. We know they like to feed on humans and they have claws. That's it. It would be great to have a few little descriptions, so we have an idea of the kind of monsters they are. There is one place where you write, "Before she could protest there was the unmistakable sound of the Monsters ..." An unmistakable sound, but we don't know what that is. This would be a great place to describe them because, like this, the sound is far from unmistakable.

One other point. The paragraph that begins, "'NO!' her friend wailed as the man grabbed her arm." is really confusing. I've read it about ten times now, and I'm still not sure who is speaking and what happens. It seems to be more than one person acting, in which case it should be separated into more paragraphs. I'm afraid I just can't understand it.

This is an enjoyable story. I love the premise and I love the way most of the people escape. I think, with a few more descriptions, and checking for inconsistencies in tense and POV, it could be great!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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