Welcome to WDC! I hope you enjoy your time here!


What Caught My Eye

I'm obsessed with free verse poetry, and I like to review newbies.

Favorite Aspects

"I hate your seductive tone on the phone" -- That's my favorite line, and it's a solid one to open your last stanza with. I like the 'smell like cologne' bit too.

Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

As a hook, this didn't really work on me. The "heart shatters" is pretty cliche without some sort of image... say, a block of ice dropped from the pedestal you had him on once... that type of metaphor. Even then, it feels familiar. I like the cold/shatters... but pushed a bit further, it would be a stronger hook. You also don't carry on with the cold/ice motif, so as a setup for things to come, it introduces the topic only.

The actual technical writing of it is another reason:

You're so cold
its no wonder why your heart shatters so easily
even after I released you from any form of pleasing me

The structure of this sentence is a bit awkward. I had to read it like 8 times to figure out how it was supposed to function. I'd consider tweaking it to 1. cut some of the unnecessary bulk and 2. make the structure clearer.

That said though, I like the assonance of "ea" and "ee" in the middle two lines. Great for flow, even with the bulky/conversational type of phrasing. the last "pleased" starts feeling like repetition just for the sake of repetition, while "reason" in that line is pretty nice. It's a balancing act, and it feels like the scale is tipped too far one way.

Language / Word Choice

Aside from the bulky/conversational writing mentioned before (the type that sounds like you're just having a chat with a friend on the phone), there are a few things that seemed heavy handed.

The number of lines ending in "me" is super distracting. I understand that personal writing that is a first draft will have this sort of... hyper focus on the narrator. But it's not effective in my view. I kept getting pulled out of the piece thinking "Another 'me'?" and going back to see if there was any pattern/reason for them. I didn't find any.

There isn't much in the way of figurative language here... the "mental squint" that makes a poem read like a poem. Unusual word choice, an interesting metaphor, phrasing that tugs at the reader's emotion. This reads like a purging of feelings that aren't intended to move the reader. That's how most first drafts are for this type of poem, but it makes it less engaging by a whole lot.

That said, you do have some nice word play in here. Comfort/confront... it's an interesting pairing... they look similar but sound as opposite as the meanings are. Lovely. There are a few moments in here like that.

Flow / Rhythm

You catch a tight groove once in a while, and then it falls into conversational rhythm again. It could be tighter, but the tightness of the flow when you're in your pocket is impressive.

Imagery

There is practically none. It's not necessary in every poem, but it could help this one a whole lot I think.

Consistency

The grammar/punctuation is inconsistent. The rhyme is super super inconsistent. If you're going to rhyme, placing them mid-line instead of at the end works MUCH better than an inconsistent end rhyme. People start waiting for the next rhyme that doesn't come... and then it pops up in some other random place.

Emotiveness

I think I touched on this already, but I felt nothing when reading this... because that wasn't the goal of writing it. You got your thoughts and feelings out... that was the goal, and you succeeded. I'm a reader though, and it didn't make me feel anything... I wasn't in it with you. That's what more poetry techniques and a few less distractions will get you.

One Thing to Work On?
What one thing will make the biggest difference for this piece?

More thoughtful line breaks and a full grammar edit... and maybe rewriting to be concise (more action verbs, more interesting word choice, etc). I can't decide, to be honest. It's like, a tie between the three.

Effect

I think it was worth reading for the moments of really interesting word play. I feel like with some more practice and feedback, you could be a really free verse writer. Probably even spoken word. The flow is incredible when you're on point with it. That's a natural talent that is almost impossible to teach. People have rhythm or they don't. You can teach someone with no rhythm to dance too, but they won't be a dance genius. It's a good jumping off point.

On a side note, not everyone likes my reviewing style. If my style doesn't work for you, let me know and I won't do it again. If you think it could be helpful, let me know that too. As a writer, you've piqued my interest. I see the potential.






My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .