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What Caught My Eye

Your story came up in Read & Review, and I like to review newbies, so I gave it a peek. I'm also an editor for the Action/Adventure newsletter, and while I'm no expert in the genre, I do like to read it from time to time.

Favorite Aspects

I do like reading about characters I'm familiar with... and I started playing Sonic and watching the Saturday Morning Cartoon back in the late 80's-early 90's.

Beginning & End
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

I'll skip the ending in this case because it looks like you've only just begun. The intro is always applicable though. Here, the first sentence has some definite problems:

"Sonic [sped] [through] the forest." That's too many mistakes in such a short time to really keep my interest up. But I read to the end because it's so short anyway.

Plot

Okay, so there is no plot just yet... but sort of hints of plot. A possession remote, huh? So... the person becomes possessed (like by spirits)? Or the remote steals their items? Either way... could be fun.

I will say that what you have written so far is lacking in detail. What does the box look like, for instance? How big is it? Is it half-buried in dirt or just laying in the grass or tangled in some weeds? A visual could help. And that's just one example.

Character(s)

I know the character already... not from what's on the page, but because of prior knowledge. Except for the "sped through the forest", there is nothing specifically Sonic-like about him.

Language

When/if you add to this or revise, you should keep an eye out for your grammar. There are some wrong tenses, missing words, spaces, commas, capital letters, and other issues throughout:

Sonic [sped]
[W]hen [S]onic opened it[,]
[W]hen [S]onic [was] done reading

There should be a space after every bit of punctuation. Both periods (.) and colons (:).

These things make the story much harder to read and understand.

Setting

A bit more setting would be nice. It's a forest, so that is something. But just a little more could be good.

Dialogue

You could use some proper dialogue tags. For example:

He said, "This can be fun! Let's try it on Sticks."

That is proper punctuation as well. And since I grabbed this sentence, "let's" means "let us" and Sonic is alone, right? So who is "us"?

Effect

The story was difficult to read, but it clearly isn't finished either (seems like an intro to a longer story). It you want to save work and finish it later without people reading it as-is... you can change the settings to "Private - For My Eyes Only". That way, no one will think that you're looking for reviews.

I rated this based on what's on the page right now... which is rough. However, it did say what action was happening at any given time (good choice of the Action/Adventure genre!)... I could follow it. That's a good start. If you add more and/or edit it, let me know. I'd be happy to come give it another read/review/rating. Cheers!





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .