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Review #4529201
Viewing a review of:
 Youth is love the eyes can see Open in new Window. [E]
orphan girl seeks mother with the help of a handsome green-eyed boy, who becomes 1st love.
by BeautifulXOXO Author Icon
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

I tend to be drawn to stories about orphans... especially orphanages. I don't know why, but it tends to pique my interest.

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

I like Emily's voice when you start writing in first person POV. It sounds pretty convincingly teen too, so if you're not a teen yourself, you channeled it well. *Laugh*

*Burstp**Burstr*Beginning & End*Bursto**Burstv*
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The background info was helpful in its way, but if I wasn't intending to review the piece, I would have stopped. I don't really want to be told all of this outside the store... I want to hear it unfold through the story. So, for instance, maybe she tells Andrew how long she'd been at the orphanage, and that's how the reader finds out.

*Burstp**Burstr*Plot*Bursto**Burstv*

The plot is okay. It didn't move me one way or the other. I was hooked by the idea, but not enough happened by the end to really sway me.

*Burstp**Burstr*Character(s)*Bursto**Burstv*

The characters feel a bit wooden to me. Like... it was difficult for me to guess what they'd say or do because I don't feel like I knew them. I was also missing many of the typical personality traits (abandonment issues, tough exterior, etc) that are common for orphans (not just in stories, but in reality).

The lack of character development also made the connection between the two feel... unrealistic. I just don't buy that they knew and understood each other so well when I never came to know either of them.

*Burstp**Burstr*Language*Bursto**Burstv*

I thought it was a little odd for them to introduce themselves with first/middle/last names. When I was a teen, I didn't even introduce myself with my entire first name! My name is Kylie... I generally said, "Hey.. I'm Ky." I don't recall ever knowing my friends last names unless they went to MY school, where teachers used last names and whatnot.

I think you use a decent amount of description without going overboard. I think too much description or too much dialogue is boring, and you hit that balance pretty well.

*Burstp**Burstr*Consistency*Bursto**Burstv*

To be honest, the most consistent thing in the story is the poor grammar. It made for a difficult read. You're missing commas throughout, which was the biggest problem wile reading. You have extra spaces before and after each quotation mark in your dialogue. There are just lots of areas that need polish. I would try to pay particular attention to the compound sentences. Watch for missing periods too.

Some sentences in here are very long and unclear in meaning, so be on the lookout for those too. Here is one example:

He answered me with a smile that shot straight to my heart not out of pity but out of joy and pride because his smile wasn’t sad but strong and it gave me hope that even if things didn’t work out with finding my mother I can look back at this guy and know that no matter what there is


Also, negative space helps when reading text online. Typically, you want an entire line between paragraphs... like I've done in this review. It makes the text less jumbled looking while reading.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

Overall, I think you got your ideas down on paper here... there seems to be a story in here. It's just not there yet and reads as a definite first draft (hence the rating). Building up those characters would help a whole lot. The biggest help though, really, is to revise it for your grammar and for clarity. Good luck if you choose to make changes and/or continue the story! *Hand1*

*Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window. *Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr*


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