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Review #4545594
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Rated: | (4.0)
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Introduction~
*NoteP*          Cadie here reviewing Lesson 2 of Building Emotion and Sensuality. You've continued your story in an interesting way.

*AsteriskV*NOTE: This review is only the opinion of one author. I'm not a professional editor. This review is meant to help and NOT hurt.

Personal Impressions~
*NoteP*          The story between William and Diana just got a blow because her brother Andrew messed up. I wonder how this changes things. Personally, I don't understand exactly what is going on with the phone, between Diana and Andrew. With the mention of his 150 different voices, was he on the phone with William? A bit more explanation and backstory might help this piece.

Plot, Conflict and Structure~
*NoteP*          The story is William invites Diana over to his house for dinner. William wants to have sex with Diana but wants a virgin instead. What does that have to do with the story? There's a quick hang up on the phone and Andrew has taken Diana's phone but she overstretches and hurts herself and can't go. William makes his way to pick up Diana and finds out about her condition. What's William going to do about this?

Showing vs. Telling~
*NoteP*          This story didn't hold a lot of emotion in it. You told me about what the kitchen looked like. Was William discouraged about how messy his kitchen was? When Diana was getting her phone, could she feel the muscles pulling as she stretched? It's an interesting twist that William is actually having a conversation with himself.

Conclusions~
*NoteP*          I realize that Diana has not come clean after 5 months of dating with William about her medical condition. There may be a sense of mistrust between the characters. That could be natural in the process of this relationship. I'm curious to see what happens next. Although the assignment was for a make-out session. Good job with the word count.

*NoteP* Thank you for sharing and Keep Writing!


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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 04/24/2020 @ 11:22pm EDT
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