Hello there. My name is Loreli and I will be doing your review today. As a disclaimer, I am not a professional editor or anything of the sort, just a writer of nearly thirty years. Things contained within this review are simply my opinion so feel free to disregard my comments you feel do not apply.

For you information though, I do not do a review unless I feel the piece has potential and I like what I read my first time around.

This is my review for the Harry Potter House challenge. I was tasked with reviewing a newbie this week. GO GRYFFINDOR!!!!


My Initial Thoughts

I also write supernatural fiction and feel that since the introduction of certain fiction, it has gotten a bad wrap. Because I write it, I also try and review others in the same genre.

First thing first, nothing to do with the actual writing. Your formatting desperately needs work. Copy your document into your word processing program (Word, or Apache Open Office) and double space your lines. Please. It makes it so much easier to read and I think you will get more reviews that way. The way it's formatted now, it's a HUGE block of text and very easy to get lost. For your own sake, please, pay attention to formatting "_



What I liked


I like your vampire, I assume that's what he is, remember, I write the same type of stuff, and he seems to be a good guy, just watch stereotyping. Some is good, but he is teetering on the cliche.

It is a good intro to a romance, I got the "love interest" and it is starting out well (I don't write romance...at all, but can identify it when I see it)



My Suggestions

Identify your wolves. Why were they being nice to her? Were they specifically trying to not kill her? Is there a reason? Wolves use teeth and claws, yours aren't. I understand that if they either didn't get a chance because of the intervening of the vampire, or a skilled opponent (your main character does not read as such, if she is) or if there is a reason they are throwing her around instead of following their natural instincts.

Your fight scenes are a little static, your descriptions are good, but they need to flow better. To help me with that, I watched some really bad Kung Fu movies and toned them down. I mean there are reasons that CGI fights look sooooo cool, they need to flow.

Your vampire is a little stereotypical, which is ok, stereotypes do come from somewhere, but much like the superhero genre we have TONS of Batman (dark brooding anti-heroes) and very, very few Johnny Torch ("THIS IS SO AMAZINGG!!") While I am not telling you to completely change your character, right now he's just another vampire. Make him unique :) If you haven't gotten to it yet, his coolness, drop a hint or two encouraging us readers that it's in there somewhere. :)


Final Thoughts

Good first draft. The formatting really through me and I might have skipped over certain parts more than I should have because it was just a large block of text. If you fix the formatting and want a more indepth review on specific content, get ahold of me.

Supernatural writers have to stick together.


Keep up the good work and may your Muse stay on your shoulder.

Loreli






"I love deadlines. I like the wooshing sound they make as they fly by." -Douglas Adams

Synonym: The word you use when you can't spell the other one.

"When you eliminate the impossible, whatever is left, however improbable, must be the truth." Sherlock Holmes

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .