Red - changes to be made.
Blue - Suggested changes
***I actually read this out loud. I love the way you used a laidback Southern form of speech. Reminds me of the Bayou in Louisiana. I didn’t correct some of the spelling or even add a letter where I thought it should be added. The story was well thought out and all your characters stayed true to form. I have added a line-by-line review below. Since the story is yours feel free not to use my suggestions.

***Lil Charles looked down at him, shaking his head. He’d been in the store room (one word) earlier staring at the bag of reefer he’d gotten from Frog’s friend Roland before finally deciding to pass a little out on Saturday night. He’d rolled twenty cigarettes when Curtis walked in carrying a sack of salt that he’d (no -’d) set down on the floor in the back corner with a grunt.
***Lil Charles laughed, “Ain’t nuthin’ wrong with tryin’ sumthin (apostrophe after -n) different every now and then.”
***Jesse frowned, (period not a comma) “That all?”
***“Well (comma) what?” Curtis asked.
***“What was your question fool?” Jesse said. (asked) “Your dumb ass just asked ‘bout it.”
***Curtis pointed back to himself, (period not a comma) “I just asked about it?”
***Curtis frowned, scratching his chin. “What I ask about?” (keeping with the rest of the story you might want to take the -a away from about here)
***... “If that stuff gon (apostrophe) make me act stupid as hell like this you can keep it to yo’self.”
***“He just ain’t used to it,” (period not a comma) Lil Charles reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a hand rolled (hyphenated) cigarette, offering it to Jesse. “Here, in case you change your mind.”
***Lil Charles shook his head, (period not a comma) “Nah, it just smell different.”
***.... And,” he pointed down to Curtis, “yo’ theivin’ thievin’ (spelling…. -i before -e except after -c) ass owe me for that salt and pepper you took.”
***“If we was boys, you coulda just asked me for one,” Lil Charles admonished. “s***, I was gon (apostrophe) give you one anyway.”

From: {bitem:2267246)


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .