The Fairy Truth
*Notes: This is a sweet story. I like the way you worked someone seeing a butterfly and starting the myth (?) of fairies.
*A line-by-line review is below:
Red- changes needed
Blue- suggested changes.
***Portia vaulted to her feet and smacked both palms on her desk. "Mrs. Jameson. You can't be serious. Write a note from a fairy to a human? That's the assignment? I'm fourteen-years-old. (no hyphens) Not a child" Portia stacked her books and walked towards the door. "Give me an 'F'," she shouted and left the classroom.
***Portia rushed to the rain-drizzled view. She fumbled with the latch and got the window open. "Who’s there?” A sudden spring rain storm sprang, and the wind joined in, drenching Portia. Who would be tap-tapping on a window in this storm? A practical, if not cynical girl, Portia surprised herself. "(no quote marks) Something scratched on the window. (move opening quote marks to here) Uh, if anyone's out there, I'm closing the window."
***Portia leaned out, forgetting the slashing rain. The first fairy she’d ever seen barely clung to the wood sash of the window. Barely hanging onto the sash clung the first fairy she'd ever seen. With one palm extended, she said, “Come in you darling thing.”
***“Ouch, you little brat. Of course (comma) it’s not food."
***Ebony Whisper stood tall on her slippered-toes (not hyphenated) and gazed into Portia’s hazel eyes. “I’m sort of sorry. Getting wet always bums me out. Got any potato chips or red licorice?”
***“You’re rude and mean. I bet you're trying to trick me into something,” Portia said while carrying Ebony to the kitchen. She grabbed a bag of Kale Chips from the pantry, broke one to bits (comma) and offered it to Ebony.
***"Yeah, good idea. I'm supposed to write some idiot paper for school about faeries. (closing quote marks)
***Portia turned aside to brush away a tear. “Go ahead and branch yourself to hell.” She walked to her room and opened the window. “Out with you. And don’t come back. (closing quote marks) But the ebony fairy was already gone.
***"Guess I have a fairy story to write now," Portia groaned. "Ick(period) But Mom will freak if Old lady Jameson gives me an 'F'." A flutter of paper drew her attention. The rising moon shafted the paper and squiggled across it. “A moonbeam pen?”
***(I would put the written paper in italics to designate the difference from the rest of the story) "The Fairy Truth"
“Eons ago, a drunken man saw a butterfly and conceptualized a fairy. Humans’ imaginations are powerful, keeping the fairy myth alive. We’re immortals and miserable. To free ourselves we lure humans into our sprite world, where we enslave them. Upon victory, fairies are granted the freedom to perish from this miserable world.
Portia, you braved the weather to rescue me. Your compassion shocked me into feeling something new. Love. I was cruel because my resolve to enslave you faded. You were too damn cute to use for my advantage. Yes, fairies swear.
“A bag of Kale chips is missing because I’m going to force feed (hyphenated) my worst enemy, White Talker. She never shuts up."
I hate love, but here's some for you,
Ebony Whisper.
You responded to this review 06/30/2022 @ 9:40am EDT |
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