Hello Weirdone-Back in the games ,

As a co-participant in "I Write: Enter the Second Decade" , it is my pleasure to review your entry.


General Comments:

The title of your story caught my attention and I rather enjoyed the historical and occult twist here which I found intriguing!

I would recommend modifying the description line to something catchy to draw readers in. At the end of your story you made a notation that it is loosely based on historical information, so there's no need to put it in the description line, as well.

On that note, change the 'Other' genre to History.

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
Here are a few suggestions I can offer:
Detective John Klinger didn’t like working in the colored district.
Consider a stronger adjective. Perhaps 'didn't enjoy working'

...they would eventually have to go someplace else...
someplace is an adverb, while some place is a noun phrase. In this instance, consider changing this to some place, or to avoid all doubt, perhaps write 'they would all have to go eventually go elsewhere'.

Klinger walked up to the corner and saw the store which seemed plain enough at first, but when he looked in the windows, he saw some strange things. Masks, skulls (real?), and small dolls. Strange, Klinger thought.
This section could benefit from a little reworking. You could go as simple as playing with the punctuation or rewording it.

For example:
Klinger walked up to the corner and saw the store. It seemed plain enough at first, but when he looked in the windows, he saw some strange things like masks, skulls, and small dolls. Strange, Klinger wondered.
In this example, internal thought, like 'strange' should be italicized.

muniftions - typo munitions.

He told me that he was good Christian
Perhaps: He told me he was a good Christian

Rather then wait for a response
Wrong word. should be than, not then

There are some areas that require commas and I found a few sentence fragments here and there.

Closing Comments:

I completely understand how tough it can be to work within the strict word count that some contests have. However, now that the contest is over, I think you have a very interesting piece here, and if you wanted to add to it, this story has wonderful potential!


Thank you for sharing your work.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .