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 Review #4733599 |
 | As Through the Snow I Strolled  [E] Winter is often one of the dreamiest times of year.  |
| (3.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: You know, if you had presented this in stanzas instead of paragraphs and called it a poem, I wouldn’t have clicked on it because I’m not very good at reviewing poems. And that would have been a mistake, because it was an interesting way to tell a story. It wasn’t easy to read - my eyes automatically looked for the rhymes and broke up the lines accordingly, and I fell into a poetry rhythm as I was reading. A few of the lines felt ‘off’ where I couldn’t immediately spot the rhyme, which tore me out of the tale itself. Your readers certainly have to pay close attention to what they are reading, not because the story is complicated to follow but because it’s easy to read words and rhymes without understanding the meaning. A couple of times I had to skip back a few rows when I realised that I had lost the plot.  Suggestions: I think in places you sacrificed clarity and flow for the sake of keeping the rhyme and rhythm. I realise that prose grammar rules don’t quite apply here, but there were some lines that, in my opinion, would work better if you edited them slightly - I’m pointing out a few of them below: what is this I’ve happened to caught You needed ‘caught’ to rhyme with ‘thought’ but the grammar just isn’t right. My body stilled as still as stone I don’t think you meant ‘stilled’ there. ‘Stood’, perhaps? realizing that I wasn't alone my eyes stretched wide You need some kind of punctuation after ‘alone’, either a comma or a period. no time to rush I think ‘no need to rush’ would work better here. to share a wonder together, you me There is something missing between ‘you’ and ‘me’, either a comma or maybe an ‘and’. what I had saw Again, you need ‘saw’ for the rhyme but that’s grammatically wrong.  Final Thoughts: Don’t get me wrong; I thought this was a very interesting read and once I realised what it was, I really got into it. In my opinion, it would work better as a ‘normal’ story without the rhymes that felt forced at times and made you ignore grammar rules, but I’m a fiction writer, not a poet, so this might be personal preference. I do believe that this piece could use a good edit to tidy up the grammar as far as the form allows it which would make it more readable.   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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