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Review #4733903
Viewing a review of:
 Looking Back at You  [E]
Take time to look inside yourself.
by jayesandz
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi jayesandz ,

I am reviewing your poem, "Looking Back at You" . The review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. This is a very emotional poem. As I first read through, I kept wondering who you were addressing, and then I got to the end and was blown away. You were addressing yourself, looking in the mirror. That's a really clever twist, and I absolutely loved it.

Voice/Tone: I was struck by the amount of compassion in your voice. That's nice to read, particularly as we learn you are speaking to yourself. I felt more positive by the end of the poem. You sound as though you want to let go of the pain and to start life anew. That's positive. At the same time, I'm sure you are writing with such emotion because of the past.

Mechanics: I expected to find a free verse poem, and I started to read with that rhythm in mind. However, you have used a set rhyme scheme of abcb, defe, etc. So it's not free verse. I like the rhymes, though. I think they give the poem a good rhythm. It rolls off the tongue more easily.

Rhythm: There are some places where the rhythm is a little off, and that is my main suggestion for you to check out. Sometimes, I found myself reading and getting into the swing of a rhythm, and then being brought up short because a line didn't feel quite right. It's not necessarily about syllables, but more about the stresses on your words. So, for example, "You staring back at me, / I can see sadness in your eyes." Writing, "I can see" is too wordy. I would change it something like, "You staring back at me / with sadness in your eyes."

I thought the last verse was a bit more rocky than the rest of them. "These words I'm thinking of" isn't quite right. It is about the stresses again.

My Favourite Part: I have to say, again, how much I love the ending. I think it's smart and a fantastic reveal. I'm pretty sure most people who read it will feel the same way. Or, maybe not. I've just taken note of the title. I should have got it from that *Blush* I also think the emotion you create is fantastic. I found myself caring about the person you were addressing, without having a clue who they were. You certainly write with feeling.

Suggestions: Just one thing I wasn't sure about. "There's something different about you, / heads always towards the floor." I had to read this a few times because I thought, firstly, you were saying more than one head was always towards the floor. But I couldn't figure how that made sense. Then I thought you meant their "head is" always towards the floor. Is that right? If so, you need an apostrophe to make it "head's."

This is a good, emotional piece of writing, and I thank you for sharing it with us. Welcome to WDC!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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