I really enjoyed this story. With comparatively few words, you managed to tell a compelling and evocative story with just enough details to keep the reader's attention. I thought the dialogue was used sparingly and to good effect.

Some of the dialogue was really impactful, and I think it might be one of those cases where traditional formatting (i.e., dialogue beginning a paragraph or standing alone as a paragraph) might be more effective. I'm all for stylization and breaking the rules when it's effective, but having some of the dialogue as their own paragraphs might help to make those moments more impactful.

I thought this was a well-written item that did a great job of telling a complete story in very few words. Nice work!