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Review #4738430
Viewing a review of:
Waiting  [E]
Waiting is never easy
by Mouser
Review of Waiting  
Review by JACE
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
An Angel Army Review


Hi Mouser .

I'm JACE , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Waiting" , which I found on the Read & Review feature.

I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1* Overall Impression. Very well written. I enjoyed reading your offering.

You paint a vivid picture of a soldier deploying on a mission, yet still having thoughts of home that intrude, sometimes unbidden. A true soldier must compartmentalize his thoughts of home while pursuing a mission. But a true man must always remember why he serves.

I've offered some suggestions below that I hope makes your offering stronger.

*Exclaim* Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* May I suggest you reverse 'pride and fear' to 'fear and pride' since that's the order you end the sentence?  Her trembling pride and fear of childbirth which they had feared he might not be there for but was.  

         *Bullet* Add a period after 'free', making the last phrase a sentence on its own. It will make that sentence stronger, more emphatic.  As a soldier he knew better than most that nothing was ever really free, but some things were well worth the price.  

         *Bullet*  Change 'to begin' to ', beginning'.  ... he called them to their feet and to begin the jump drill, ...  ... he called them to their feet, beginning the jump drill, ...

*Star* My Rating.  4.5. 

*Heart* Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 03/22/2024 @ 4:24pm EDT
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