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Review #4738670
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Review by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
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*PenB* First Impressions:

I love reimaginings of old myths. It’s fascinating what a modern take on an old tale will do, and this story is no exception. I was hooked after the first paragraph. The main character’s name, Amatus, is perfect for him, and the set-up is genius. I loved the combination of the screens that showed him what was going on in the world combined with the thick old ledger he looked through as he was watching. Your descriptions made it easy to imagine the scene and the character, and I particularly liked the lines in his cheeks etched by aeons of tears - a very powerful image.

There was a line at the beginning that caught my attention. It was how “each face [was] telling a lifetime of worries, terrors, desires, and fears.” It made me wonder why they didn’t also tell him about happiness or love. As the story continued, he observed people making the wrong choices and as a result, he crossed out the name of their true love in the ledger. But just as I was beginning to feel a little sad that no one was destined to meet the right person, you gave me, and Amatus, that one glimmer of hope with the last couple, who might just make it. It was nicely done.


*PenG* Suggestions:

The story was very polished and I only noticed one tiny error, but I have a couple of suggestions:

the wide screen array as he had since the beginning. Before him were arrayed the lives
Not an error as such, but the repetition of “array/arrayed” was quite noticeable here and I would suggest changing one of them.

Across the car they shared nervous grins of excitement as the car roared to life.
Again, I noticed the repetition here.

between two set of names
“sets”?


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

The statistic at the end - “1 in 2,984,354.78” - was quite scary. I understand the “1” but I wasn’t quite sure what the other number related to. It doesn’t really matter as “1” isn’t a particularly promising start - but it’s a start, and it was enough to make Amatus smile, which made for a nice ending of this tale.




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