%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4740917 |
 | Throwing Rocks  [E] Little Johnny is throwing rocks and then the Earth explodes.  |
| (4.0)  This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! Hi FaeThorned .I'm JACE , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Throwing Rocks" . The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  Overall Impression. Well I certainly expected a bit more from your Brief Description. You wrote a great teaser, though I suspect looking at that happened from Johnny Jr's point of view, it would seem like the Earth actually exploded.Little Johnny certainly displayed all the youthful bravado that young boys often have. A feeling of invincibility comes across perfectly in your description. His parents allowing him the freedom of the junk yard evokes memories of my youth when kids had more freedom for play. I'm not so sure such times exist any longer. Johnny is like a thousand other little boys who see the world as his playground, and is the master of all he surveys. I think Mom is in for a real awakening.  Editorial Thoughts.  There are a number of areas in which your writing can be tightened up. It would make reading your story easier to digest. For example you wrote: Right on the other side of Big Johnny's fence the ground erupted in a geyser of dirt and clay and soil. The ground on the other side of the junk yard fence erupted, showering Johnny Jr. with dirt and clay and soil. Again, the following can be tightened up thereby making what one is reading stronger. What Little Johnny found, after maneuvering through the maze of tetanus and asbestos in his backyard and carefully squeezing through the barbed wire fence, was a big hole. Little Johnny carefully maneuvered through the barbed wire fence and other junk yard pitfalls to find a huge hole. May I suggest you read your offering out loud? You'll hear spots that are not as smooth as they might be before you see them while reading silently. I believe reading silently allows you to skip over part of your writing, especially when editing something you've spent a lot of time writing.  Technical Considerations. This section relates to the mechanics of your writing. You are describing a rock, which by its nature is hard. May I suggest substituting another word for 'bouncy'? What a rock he chose, too, smooth and so round it almost felt like a little bouncy ball in his hand. You need a comma after 10th. Since the sun would not set until 8:26 on June 10th he was outside playing ... I thought it interesting that you mentioned Dick Donovan, a rather mediocre player who played on five teams over 15 years and in only one World Series. Was this on purpose?  My Rating.4.0.  Thank you for sharing your offering.
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
You responded to this review 04/01/2024 @ 7:34pm EDT