%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4741114 |
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| (4.0)| Hi Spectre Lives   This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! Disclaimer The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. What I liked:  Well, I should have taken more notice of the title. It hadn't registered that the main focus of the story would be a sacrifice of some kind. The result is, I was not expecting the conclusion of this story. It actually came as a pleasant surprise, which I'm not sure what that says about me. But, until the sacrificial altar is mentioned, my mind was expecting the story to go in a whole different direction. When the altar came along, and I realised where you were taking me, I smiled. Nice writing. I wondered if you wrote this for a contest? I note there are certain words you have bolded, and I thought maybe that was for a contest. If that is the case, perhaps you could link the contest and post the prompt. Just as a matter of interest. You could always put the details in a dropnote if you don't want to see it on the main body of the story. You do a great job of misleading your readers about Thomas and his intentions for the Aztec display. Because he works in the museum, and his job involves setting up the display, we have no reason to suspect he is anything other than a fairly dull museum curator. (Unless you read and take note of the title.) Thomas is an interesting character, and I felt so sorry for Jewell. So trusting. So naive. But probably a nice person and a good girlfriend. My question about Thomas is, is he a psychopath who thought nothing of murdering his girlfriend in a horrific way? Or is he just a museum curator who wants to get his display as authentic as possible? The jury's out on that one.Suggestions: My main suggestion is to use a line space between paragraphs. As it is at the moment, the story is one big bulk of writing, and this can put some people off. But by spacing out the paragraphs, you would make a much more appealing text. My other suggestions are grammar / typo points ... A couple of places, you put the comma in the incorrect place. For example, here: "Yes, some would say boring but, that assessment is really a subjective view." - The comma should be before the word "but," not after. Also, " Uh Yeah, It takes you ..." - A couple of things I would change if I were to rewrite this. I would change it to: "Uh, yeah. It takes you ..." The last punctuation issue is, "Call me when you get to the employee entrance, Okay." - It shouldn't be a capital O in "okay." Also, this reads as a question, so there should be a question mark after it, not a period. Parting comments: This story is enjoyable. There is a killer (literally) twist and a couple of interesting characters. I am glad I found your portfolio. Choconut    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 05/02/2024 @ 6:40pm EDT