%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4741229 |
 | Strange John  [E] "You can do it," John said. A story of remembrance, motivation, and encouragement  |
| (3.5)  This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! Hi Vicki Lynne I'm JACE , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Strange John" . The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  Overall Impression. As stated above, I stopped by your Port on behalf of the Game of Thrones event. I came across this offering to review; your Title hooked me. (It's always been strange to me that something strange entices me to find out more about it.)I'm taking a leap here and assuming that John was a real person in your town. Your phrase "always pulled tricks on people" really hit home for me. In my hometown, Strange John was a man named C.W. Parker, from which our Fine Arts Center was named. A real patron of the arts he was. And it's appropriate that April Fool's Day was yesterday because he was a real prankster. His favorite was to place "For Sale" signs in the yards of the Mayor or Police Chief, complete with ads of the same in the local paper or radio. No person was immune.  Editorial Thoughts. I must admit that I don't see how John came to be known as Strange John. Where did the modifier Strange come from? That he was a celebrated member of the community is a given. Perhaps there was a story behind the name that wasn't told here.  May I suggest you read your offering out loud the next time you decide to edit? There are several places that read a bit awkwardly, and I believe reading aloud will highlight those spots. I know I tend to skip words when I read silently, especially when I've spent so much time writing and rewriting the words.  Technical Considerations. This section relates to the mechanics of your writing. Change the semi-colon to a comma. ... diving with sharks; riding wave runners ... I stumbled over this sentence as written. It would make more sense coupled with the next sentence. A suggestion follows:As I walked into the hallway a very strange feeling of emptiness entered my heart like water being poured out of a cistern when I looked into the room on my left. As I walked into the hallway a very strange feeling of emptiness entered my heart like water being poured out of a cistern. I looked into the room on my left and could see the top of John’s head in the casket, ... A wordsmith moment; watch the punctuation too. Smilingly I replied ... Smiling, I replied, ...  My Rating. 3.5. You have great potential with this above average offering. It needs to be tightened up Thank you for sharing your offering.
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You responded to this review 04/18/2024 @ 10:37am EDT