%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4741506 |
 | Sara and Mort  [13+] Sara returns home with an inheritance  |
| (4.0)| Hi Prosperous Snow celebrating  This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! Disclaimer The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. What I liked:  The humour in this story appealed to me. I love the first line, where you show us Sara stepping out from a teleporter to find a purple llama waiting for her. The sign around the llama's neck is genius because it tells us right away what is happening. It is like Sara has just got off an aeroplane. And the llama is her greeter. Sent, thoughtfully, by her husband, Mort. It is fair to say you had me at "purple llama." You slowly reveal each part of the story. So, firstly, we don't know why the purple llama. What kind of world is this story based in? And then, we meet Mort and learn that he and Sara live in some futuristic world, on some faraway planet. This is confirmed with their living quarters having been upgraded due to Mort's work promotion. And then, we learn where Sara has just returned from — Earth — and what she has brought back with her: her aunt's shoe and antique clothing and jewellery collection. The old shoe had me laughing. That's so random. The kicker is her aunt has stipulated they must give the collection to their oldest child, and they don't intend to ever have children. So they must keep it forever. That is so funny. The ice cream with a pickle in the middle of it made me laugh out loud. Just in case Sara wanted to get pregnant, Mort had left this treat for her. I assumed, maybe, people will eat ice cream with pickles in the future. But, no. Mort thinks that having this odd combination, that pregnant women have been known to desire, it would either make Sara want to get pregnant, or even aid in that happening. Typical man. Not a clue! It's encouraging to know that that won't change in the future.Suggestions: My suggestions are all grammatical. "'Where are you going, Sara,' came Mort’s voice ..." - You need a question mark at the end of Mort's question, not a comma. Also, "There is now,” he grinded ..." Firstly, did you mean "grinded"? Because that word doesn't make sense, to me. Also, it's generally better to use "said" when writing dialogue tags. Then, "A purple llama was the last creature; Sara expected to see as ..." The semicolon is not needed here. Lastly, "'Mort,' she said as he came into the room and sit down beside her." It should be "sat" not "sit" because it is in the past tense. Parting comments: I loved this story! It is very entertaining, very funny! Choconut    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/03/2024 @ 12:05pm EDT