%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4741530 |
 | One Phone Call  [E] A surprise phone call leaves a mother torn and confused.  |
| (4.0)| Great opening hook that makes readers dive into the story. The story begins in medias res when the son calling his mother on the phone is the inciting incident. I like how you slipped in a flashback that also became a foreshadow of what is to come. You made readers question: "What fell apart last year?" Keeping unanswered questions in your story keeps the readers reading. And that's what you want. I also like how you inserted: "It was a house, at least. Not an apartment." to show that she really hated living in the tiny apartment, but had no choice because of whatever incident that took place. A good way to keep readers going. I'm quite curious about why you bold "Are you in some kind of trouble?". Is it because you are writing this from a prompt and entered your entry for a contest? If so, I would love to see you include a dropnote of the Contest or Challenge you are entering this flash fiction for. It would give us reviewers a clearer understanding of how you've answered the prompt or where you are coming from. I did spot a slight punctuation error. Not a big deal. Static hacked away at his words, but enough came through to stir her old friend : panic. You've painted the conflict rather well. 1. Man vs. Supernatural: The conflict between a mother is separated from her son by death. 2. Man vs. Technology: The line between the dead and living wasn't clear and filled with static that interrupted the conversation between the mother and the son. 3. Man vs. Destiny: The son is trying to fight his destiny to stay in the dead realm and reach out to his mother, but failed to convey his message. I can't help, but wonder what the son wanted to say to his mother. He must have done something wrong and had wanted to apologise to her that badly that he crossed over from the realm of the dead especially from the dialogue: "Love you. Never meant." which I think was the climax of the story. It could be related to how he had died. Dialogues were realistic as it clearly showed the struggle to communicate because of line issues. I like the surprise twist you put in the end when you revealed how the son is dead. As for the ending, I think it's kinda unrealistic for the mother to be so calm. I think if I were this ghost kid's mother, I'd go on a full-blown panic or I'd go ballistic wondering what had happened to him. A mother would do anything for his kid, even though he's dead. So, she cannot be this calm and accepting. But otherwise, this story is very well done.  I enjoyed reading it. | 01:06 (+8 GMT  ), 4 April 2024, Thursday |CC: 2983 The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On! Elycia Lee ☮    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 04/14/2024 @ 4:58pm EDT