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 Review #4745851 |
 | Love is Fear  [13+] a redacted poem from the song 'Don't Fear the Reaper'  |
| (4.5)| Hi iKïyå§ama , This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! Disclaimer The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. What I liked ...  Firstly, I love this song. Good choice. Secondly, huge kudos to you for writing this poem. You would think redaction poems would be easy, wouldn't you? All the words are already there. But, easy, they are not. You have written a really good poem, though. It makes sense (which is hard with redactions) and it actually moved me. Those first lines, "all our times / now they're gone" are so sad. They grab your reader's attention. We want to read more. The second verse is the one that stands out to me. The story woven throughout your poem seems to be similar to the one in the song itself. But your poem is more succinct, and you draw your reader to the important parts of it. So, we see this woman who is mourning the loss (I'm not sure whether it is through a relationship breakup or through death) of a loved one. I read that she wants to be with him once more and that he appears to her, leading the way. Or, perhaps, he provides support from the afterlife. I'm not sure now. She must have to die because you write, "together in eternity" Yes. That's it. Your imagery of, one day, all of us being able to fly when we leave this world, just like the seasons and the weather are able to do so now, is clever. Again, it could be read as we all have our moments in the sun. We all excel at something. We all have our chance to be our best us.Suggestions: It took me a few reads to make the third line work. It didn't make sense to me that "seasons don't fear the wind, etc." I think I got it in the end, but I would maybe look at that if you ever revise this. My only other query is regards to the punctuation. I know that in free verse poetry, punctuation is not needed. I'm not sure of the rules in redaction poetry. But, I've had this point drummed into me many times: If you aren't going to use punctuation, then don't. At all. Or, use it wherever it should be. All or nothing. Now, I'm not saying I necessarily agree with that always, but it might have been good to have some end-of-line punctuation in this poem. Simply because you're cutting another poem up and putting words together that weren't intended that way. So, I think punctuation would make it clearer, in general. Parting comments: This is a great read, Kiya. As I said, it is quite emotive, and I think most people will be able to relate to it. Choconut   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/17/2024 @ 9:56am EDT