%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4747027 |
 | Jordan has died  [13+] The sheriff did not know of Jordan's death  |
| (3.0)   Please use this link to see how I rate an item."Comment-In-A-Box" Okay, there is a lot to unpack in this story. The opening paragraphs give the reader a glimpse into the drama and conflict coming in the story. Nobles have had their faces placed on wanted posters and circulated throughout the local town. That's a great premise for a story. First, while confusing, the story is about a woman who enters a queens bed chamber, but it's never revealed why she is there. There are several items in this story that might benefit from your further attention. 1. "There is a woman here to see you?" a woman who was her escort said as she looked at her as the door opened. The queen;s bow was furled and puzzled by her aid's reaction. She looked at her aid as she was coming through the door. ""Who is this woman, how would I know her. If I havent been here in eight years," The Queen questioned as she looked at her. The woman announcing the visitor makes no mention of who the visitor is, so I wondered how Melissa knew she hadn't seen this person in eight years. 2. Long, laundry-list character descriptions should be avoided. The woman entered the room, she was dressed in black, her face was pale, the skirt was thigh length revealing her legs that were in black stockings, her feet were in high heels. Her blouse was velvet. Her cheeks were shallow, dark eyeshadow, her eyebrow was one it was bushy. In her hands she held a volume of parchment, that looked pretty thick. I suggest separating some of the descriptions and sprinkling them throughout the rest of the story as you refer to this visitor. 3. "What is this in regards too [to]?" Marissa asked as she looked at this woman, the volume of parchment had a pale blue text on the cover. 4. "I am here, because you have asked me to come, four days ago. There has been some rumblings that something un foreseen has happened there." the woman asked as she looked into the face of Marissa. There was a look on her face, that puzzled the woman there. It was as if she did not recognise her being there. Using unnecessary words, especially repeatedly like in this paragraph, slows down the flow and action of the story. I suggest deleting them and where necessary, change up the words. ie. Rumblings abound that something unforeseen has happened," the woman said as she gazed at Melissa... There are several places that I could list here, however, a good thorough edit will reveal where they are and how to correct them. Final Thoughts: There's a story here, one that will be interesting when you edit this further. The fact of royals having their faces listed as wanted people has true promise for a great story. If you pursue this further, please let me know and I'll be happy to read it again. Bikerider Here are a couple of weblinks that you might find helpful. https://jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/creative1/showing/ https://www.thebalancecareers.com/top-tips-for-writing-dialogue-1277070 This review has been submitted to "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You last responded to this review 04/22/2024 @ 8:24pm EDT