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 Review #4747680 |
 This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones"  ! Hi chuckster. I'm JACE  , and I have the honor of reviewing your offering "Invalid Item" . The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer, and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  Overall Impression. Good morning. I'm reviewing your humble offering as part of a "Game of Thrones" event task requiring me to review five members whose Username begins with the letters A through E. I wanted someone I've not reviewed before and found you. You are my C.From the start your title and brief description caught my eye and drew me in. Your story did not disappoint. I can well imagine the interaction among a number of older ladies as they all come together to fulfill a specific mission. I suppose that's true of any group--an Alpha (or two) and some Betas. Speaking of your fourth paragraph--I got lost reading it. You have a lot of information to pass along from Mrs. Osgood. To help, perhaps separate her monologue into different paragraphs. Remember, it's easier without using attributes in the subsequent paragraphs, use opening quotation marks on each paragraph, and only use closing quotes on the last paragraph. Your writing of the "great debate" is exactly how I would picture several old ladies and men discussing such an 'important topic'. Well done. But be careful of the punctuation when changing from character to character. I loved your ending line.  Editorial Thoughts. I wonder if there might be a way to introduce your protagonist by name earlier in your story than the fourth paragraph. It wasn't until Charles answered "No problem" that I realized who "I" was.Consider reading your offering out loud while editing. I believe you'll hear inconsistencies and extra phrasing that may be tightened much easier than by reading silently.  Technical Considerations. Remove the comma; it's not needed. Mrs. Osgood, had deemed herself the table coordinator. There are a couple places in which you can tighten up your writing by deleting superfluous word and phrasing. She was engaged and lost in conversation "making her announcement" to "announcing" There are a couple ways you might phrase this for easier reading. ... to Ms. Auger who appeared by her facial expressions, to be quite puzzled ...- ... to Ms. Auger who looked quizzical, puzzled ... - ... to Ms. Auger who, by her facial expressions, appeared to be quite puzzled ... Check your dialogue punctuation carefully. You only need one set in a given line of dialogue. A few spots have extra unneeded quotation marks  My Rating. 4.0. Thank you for sharing your offering.
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