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 Review #4748314 |
 | Autoimmune Patient a Day of Lockdown  [E] Daily problems that autoimmune patients live with, including locked inside their homes.  |
| (4.0)   This is a "Game of Thrones" review!Hello, LMs❤️BrewinMagic !  Overall Impression:As someone with an autoimmune condition while lockdown was happening, I understand this narrative quite well. It captures the solitude and despair often hidden behind the mundane events of daily life for those with chronic illnesses, especially under the added strain of COVID-19. The narrative has tons of emotional depth and succeeds in highlighting the narrator's battle with her condition and the external limitations imposed on her life. Title and Description: The title does a good job of community the crux of the story and primes the audience for an experiential story (or, in this case, script). However, as much as I am a fan of using the description line to draw readers in, in this case I think the repetitive nature of the sentence and length are doing the script a disservice. Something shorter and to the point like, "Life in isolation was not the same for Tonya" or "We were already isolated. Lockdown was worse." would work. You don't have to use the two I gave you; they're only examples, not gospel. Hook and plot:The story is vivid and, due to the script format, reads and moves quickly. The plot unfolds with a series of interactions that underscore Tonya's increasing frustration and helplessness, which are exacerbated by the lockdown. The narrative maintains a good pace, making it easy for the reader to empathize with Tonya's situation. Characters and dialogue:Tonya is portrayed with depth and authenticity, making her a compelling character. I can easily see her being observed as difficult (such as with her medication), but I think that's more due to the script format than a problem with the writing. While it should be vivid and clear, it's the nuances of seeing the person (acting) that sometimes really bring home the character's true nature. Tonya's dialogues offer a glimpse into her daily struggles and healthcare bureaucracy, adding layers to her personality—resilient yet vulnerable. The different responses to Tonya provide contrasting perspectives on empathy and insensitivity, enriching the narrative. However, some dialogues, especially Tonya's inner monologues, might benefit from some reworking to keep the pace up. It may be where I'm from, but I found the nurse's reaction a little too empathetic. It may be different where you are, but while ours are generally polite, they are far too burnt about to get that excited about any one patient. However, if your experience and area vary from mine, that's okay, too. Grammar and Mechanics:I'm in no position to analyze a script's effectiveness or mechanical soundness in terms of expectations. I can say that as a story, it is a good base, but some of the dialogue feels repetitive. There are also some punctuation inconsistencies, but that is nothing a good grammar checker can not assist with. It would help with readability, especially for those readers who have difficulty discerning meaning if the punctuation is incorrect. Final Thoughts:This is entertaining and educational, reminding us of the invisible struggles faced by those with autoimmune disorders. It's a heartfelt piece of writing that, with some polishing, will reach a broader audience and offer a window into the lives of those so often overlooked. Thank you for sharing your work with us! JayNaNoOhNo  My approach to reviews: "I'll Explain, but not Disclaim" The views and opinions in this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and, therefore, do not necessarily reflect the group, activity, and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
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