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Review #4748628
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Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: | (4.0)
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A "Game of Thrones"  Open in new Window. by Creeper Of The Realm Author Icon Review


Storyline: The story starts with Jay lost in thought, walking on campus, trying to figure things out when he bumps into another student. At first, Edward is pissed and yells some profanity, but once the two get a good look at one another, things change.

Spelling/Grammar Issues:
shoved y my way,

The only thing I'd point out is to watch the use of repetitive words. I am constantly using my Thesaurus to avoid this pitfall in my writing.

Description/emotion: You describe what Edward looks like physically, enough to get a picture of him in the reader's mind. You have room to add emotional aspects to this short story. For instance, when Jay knows he will be sitting next to the guy he'd just run into, how does he feel about that? Aside from avoiding eye contact, you could elaborate here. Is it because he's shy, or nervous? Is he playing hard to get? Your audience wants to know their main characters; these moments are an opportunity to do just that.

Overall Impression: You have a solid beginning here. Adding more description and the emotional connection between the characters and your audience will pull the reader into the story and have us rooting for Jay as the story evolves.




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