*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4750088
Review #4750088
Viewing a review of:
 
Limelight  [18+]
Janes flees the nest of her record company for one unforgettable night
by Blackbladder
Review of Limelight  
Review by Tiggy in Antigua
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*




*PenB* First Impressions:

I will start by saying that I’m not the target audience for this story, but I’m here so I’m going to send you a quick review anyway *Smile* You posted it a few years ago but it doesn’t have any reviews yet, which always upsets me. I think in part, it might be due to the brief description being a little misleading. Yes, Jane escapes the limelight for one night, but the story itself is actually about something completely different, and readers who expect a lighthearted tale about a young woman in the music industry who runs off with a guy for a night might not be expecting this.

The story itself is well written, and it’s easy to imagine the characters and the setting. The main character was very successful but still very young, and she got excited at the prospect of doing something forbidden like a child. I guess it was that aspect that made me feel a little uncomfortable as the details that followed bordered on abuse. Technically, she was an adult but she wasn’t capable of making informed decisions, which enabled Craig to take advantage of her.


*PenG* Suggestions:

I noticed a couple of small typos:

and under her breathe she added
“breath”

she was tired of been a manufactured doll
“tired of being”

held it between her hand
“between her fingers” would make more sense, I think

The main issue I had with this story was the paragraphs. You need to start a new paragraph every time a different character speaks or acts. In this story, you have two characters, either Margot and Craig or Jane and Craig, speaking and acting in one paragraph, and it makes it difficult to follow.

You also need to fix some of the punctuation errors. In dialogue, you need to place a comma at the end of the speech if the sentence continues with a dialogue tag, like in this example:

“Jane, I’d like for you to meet Craig Brooks” Margot said
There should be a comma after “Brooks” before the speech marks. As there was a lot of dialogue in this story, this error popped up a lot.


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

As an ex-smoker who never really liked the taste and hated the smell, this story evoked different emotions in me to the ones you were aiming for, but this clearly isn’t my fetish and like I said at the beginning, I’m not the right audience. Still, I think it would be worth tidying up this tale to make it more presentable for the people you would like to read it. Although I didn’t like the topic, you had a solid start here and it just needs a bit of attention to make it a good story.




** Image ID #2154080 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *NoteR* You have not yet responded to this review. Ignore
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4750088