%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4752795 |
 | The Firemen  [E] A band has an identity crisis...  |
| (3.5)| Greetings Amethyst Snow Angel ! I am sending you a review of your story, "The Firemen" . I hope you find something interesting or helpful. WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS: I am one of the judges of the March 2024 "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . TITLE: The title is appropriate to the story about a band by the same name. I also liked your cover image. HOOK: I couldn't identify a hook in the story. The conflicts start pretty close to the start, so I suppose that is what would have to work as a hook. SETTING: You do a good job letting us know where the characters are in each scene. CONFLICT/STORYLINE: Whenever you hear about the early days of a big band, you hear about the disagreements and fights among the members, so the story tracks in that regard. My concern was with the change of lead singer it sounded like the band would now be playing Ryan's music at this very important gig without every practicing it. Or, was Ryan just singing Dan's songs that the band had been practicing? It would be good to clear this detail up because it feels like a big plot hole. CHARACTERS: The guys seem like pretty typical young guys, although the lead singer is a bit of an over-the-top control freak/egomaniac. I suppose a little of that is necessary to be a front guy of a band, but it doesn't seem like there is much more to this kid. CONTEST PROMPT: The story does follow the contest prompt. DIALOG: The dialog works to move the plot along. POINT OF VIEW: You used first-person point of view, but you changed who's point of view it was between a couple of characters. This is called head-hopping. It may seem like a nifty writing tool, but it is rough on your reader, having to constantly keep track of who "I" is at any particular time. NUTS & BOLTS: Just a couple of tiny things I noticed!His foot pumped the Kick pedal, Kick should not be capitalized. or I swear I'm pitching all your equipment in the nearest Dumpster. Dumpster should not be capitalized because it is an eponym.  FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you for entering the contest.
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You responded to this review 05/20/2024 @ 9:34am EDT