Hello, thank you for the opportunity to review your work.

You crafted an interesting story about a young girl, the apparent black sheep of her family. So much so that her parents hired a hi8tman to kill her.

What worked:

You did a pretty good job showing Claire’s broken life, up to and including meeting her brother and parents before the ceremony. The shock delivered by her brother’s admission was a great cliffhanger to end on.

What didn’t work:

I admit to being a bit confused as I read the story. It could be differences in writing style. It could also be generational. You sound much younger than I. Even so, do have a few things to mention.

“…and a dolphin dived out of the water…” Whether fish, or people, you dive into the water. Jumping up to grab a fish is jumping out of the water.

You kept referring to Claire as “dude.” That confused at the beginning.

“No means no. Okay? Bye bye.” There should have been a ciomma after the second “no,” not a period.

“…and stuck her middle finger up at the Marlin…” Did you mean “at Marlin” instead of “…up at the Marlin?”

“So you comin’?” Needs a comma after the word So.

Later in the story you mention Claire’s car has a flat tire, then two paragraphs later she is
driving to a birthday party. When did she repair thee tire?

Last thing: You did a good job showing, not telling most of the time, but you occasionally slipped back into just telling what we saw instead of showing us through your writing.

Keep writing!

Averren


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .