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Review #4759462
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Review by Past Member 'bonzolee'
Rated: | (4.0)
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I can tell you put a lot of work into this piece and that it has a deeply important message to share. Your writing definitely has a lot of potential and can really make readers feel the emotions of characters, which I loved. Your unique style, with lots of fun and interesting details, made it easy and enjoyable to read. Also, it was very very clear in what it was conveying all the time, so good work!!!

Here are some critiques(just my humble opinions, so change your work if you want or not):

Technical errors:

The next morning, Robert awoke…

- This was a really long sentence. I didn’t finish reading it because I got bored. You can shorten it a bit, still keeping the length(since it may have purpose)


gave in and gave him directions

- Gave is used twice. You can just replace one with a different verb like saying she caved

“Now, go away and learn. Learn what true remorse is. Learn that your actions have consequences. Learn that even a flyspeck matters. And once you have learned all of this, then the curse will fade away. The dark clouds will part, and a blue sky will take its place. Now, leave me be, or I'll make things much, much worse and that, my pupil, is a vow

- This is a really long dialogue. If you could shorten it, keeping Madam’s style and tone, but just making it a bit more concise, that would be perfect.

“perfect weather”

- Capitalize perfect



“Boy, I wonder what the temp is. It's sure hot out here. Should've grabbed some ice when we were in the store. Oh well, the storm, coming in this afternoon, will, it doesn't matter. Never mind”

- could be shortened


And, as he did, he realized how much he had changed.

- Show don’t tell



Characters:

Robert had little complexity and didn’t seem human to me because had very little of his own personality, and the dialogue wasn’t natural(too long and formal).
My main issue, though, is that while you explicitly mention there’s some big character arc, he genuinely didn’t do anything wrong at the beginning. Did I miss something?

Maybe, if you wanted him to have more of an arc, he should start out actually being a selfish guy. All we know is that he’s a lawyer walking across the street and accidentally bumps into someone who seems like a crazy hobo :)

This made me prefer him because she comes across as an overly serious lunatic, while he’s just trying to go about his day. She attacks him and honestly seems more selfish than he does.

Some positives, though, are that he’s quite relatable. For example, I like the way he kept thinking about her and went to her and said sorry, unsure what he did wrong. (He didn’t do anything wrong lol). She also gave me villainous voodoo vibes which is pretty fun and cool.

Plot/Structure:

I wasn’t sure if this was supposed to be a children’s story because of how it tells and doesn’t show a lot, especially outwardly giving whole paragraphs about what the meaning of the story is. This sort of comes off as a little preachy. While your intent is good, there may be more effective ways to express it, such as showing Robert do something different when he encounters someone on the street again (something like that).

The constant weather changing was a bit annoying. I got pretty bored reading about the weather for paragraphs on end.

It’s a good idea, though. Or maybe the weather was normal and he just interpreted it as a curse because he didn’t appreciate it? I wasn’t sure if I was missing something.

Overall, while I definitely say everything I liked about it as much as what I disliked (I assume you want more criticism than praise), I think you’re a great writer with lots of potential and a good general story idea (a harmless stranger on the street ends up cursing you :)). Keep on writing!!
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