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 Review #4762291 |
| (4.0)| Hi Sumojo  . I'm Jace, and it's my distinct pleasure to read and comment on your offering "Fast car" for the "I Write in 2024" .  Overall Impression. First, a quick note. You didn't include the word count in your entry post. You should rectify that soon.Good job entering the current official WDC contest, "Rhythms & Writing: Official WDC Contest" . Every month I tell myself I'm going to enter one of the monthly contests. And every month I fail to achieve my goal. Perhaps I'm trying too hard to achieve all the other goals WDC sets before me--Achievement MBs, Credited Reviewer, and the like. Enough of this self-serving ... stuff.Of all the official contests I'm most leery of this one. Oh, I love music. It's just I'm a product of the 60's and 70's, and I don't even know the music or artists often featured here. However, this particular song I have heard before, and thought I'd take a chance reviewing your inspiration. Ah, to be young again with an imagination that is fresh and big as the sky. You've created a world harsh with the reality of a home in which the parent doesn't cherish his child as he should. Contrasted with his young friend who still has a hard life but a bit more caring parent. It's easy to see the bond between them, each of them thinking only about the other, wanting for them the best they can give. This will be what serves them well as they grow. Fast-forward 15 years. Mickey and May are married with one of their own. Living day to day, unable to break out of the cycle that is life within the impoverished. You weave the contest prompt throughout your story perhaps to give hope to the young family. Good use of that prompt. I love the fact that despite their struggles to survive, they have broken the cycle. Both are striving to leave behind the twisted wreckage of their upbringing becoming better and stronger people in the process. I do not fear for their chances. Overall, I felt you did the prompt a good service with your offering. I can relate to both kids, and while I know this is fiction, I'm rooting for them. I've noted some technical areas below that might have been corrected with a careful edit. I understand completely how thing get overlooked in the haste of submitting a special entry.  Technical and Editorial Considerations.  A few innocent typos and missed punctuation. “What y,doin’, May? “What ya doin’, May? “Come down.,” “Come down,” They’d almost reached the port You've either a missing or errant carriage return here. eventually he prised it open eventually he pried it open He kissed, May, gently before turning away. Delete the commas; you don't need them here. Finally, some of your paragraphs are indented; some are not, Be consistent.  My Rating. 4.0.  Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.
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You responded to this review 07/11/2024 @ 11:20am EDT