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 Review #4762547 |
| Hi dajb1989, Please remember, these opinions are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.      What I Liked  What a beautiful, tender, moving piece of writing! I absolutely loved this. There are so many observations by your character that pull me inside his world, and I really felt like I was looking out from behind his eyes. I could relate to his feelings, and it felt like a very real story. I love how you describe witnessing, "life’s slow march to the bitter end," but, afterwards, all that is left is silence. And that breaks your heart. Your character notices a cleaner in the hospital cleaning the floor and thinks it is, "Just business as usual to everyone outside his skin." That's a fab observation. I remember that unreal feeling from when my dad passed away. I couldn't believe people were carrying on as normal, as though the world hadn't just broken. It took some time to get used to that. When I came to the part about taking his father his prized war medal to see for one last time, I was very moved. I could imagine that scene, and it was particularly sad that he didn't seem to make it to the hospital in time. Just a couple more places I can't leave this review without commending. Firstly, "clinging to the last threads of life." as a description of the old man is such a great way of phrasing it. "Threads" are so fragile, so it works perfectly. Also, when his daughter phones with news of her her pregnancy, he says she is sobbing, but it is different to the "calamity of sadness" inside himself. I love that! It's so good. Suggestions for Improvement There are a couple of places where you have incomplete sentences. This can work sometimes, but I would change these. Firstly, the sentence that begins, "Once outside ..." This indicates you are about to tell us what happens once outside, but you don't. At least, not as an end to that beginning. Does that make sense? Also, "And searched his breast pocket ..." This would work better if you changed the period to a comma and join it to the preceding sentence. My other suggestion is to look at your use of the word "slither" in the second paragraph. I think you mean "sliver." Parting Comments I really enjoyed this flash fiction. You have a talent for evoking emotion in your readers, and I love the way you write characters who feel real. Great work! Thank you for sharing your work. I enjoyed reading this. Choconut  
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